Few men appreciate long articles on how to behave – especially as to how we ought to treat our wives, so here, based on Ephesians 5, are our duties summed up in terms of their pattern and their practice.

The Pattern⤒🔗

Our basic precept for marriage is, “Husbands, love your wives” (Eph. 5:25a). Following Christ’s pattern of loving His bride, each of us is to love his wife in these ways:

1. Absolutely. Christ gives “Himself” for His bride – His total self (v. 25). He holds nothing back. That is obvious from what He has done (think of Calvary), is doing (think of His constant intercession in heaven), and will do (think of His Second Coming). So we too are called to radical, absolute giving of ourselves to our wives in authentic love.
    
2. Realistically and purposely. Like Christ, who goes on loving His bride, the church, despite her spots and wrinkles, so that He can present her sanctified – without spot or wrinkle – to His Father in the Great Day (vv. 26-27), so we husbands are called to keep on loving our wives despite their shortcomings, aiming to have a sanctifying influence on them. Our love must be both realistic (remembering they are sinners just like us) and purposeful (aiming for their holiness).
    
3. Sacrificially. Christ nourishes and cherishes His bride at His own expense (vv. 28-29). So ought we husbands treat our wives at our own expense with the same care that we treat our bodies. If you get something in your eye, you give it immediate, tender care. Do you treat your wife with that same care when she is hurting?

The Practice←⤒🔗

Here are six ways we should be demonstrating this pattern of love for our wives:

1. Show great interest in your wife as a person. Care about her. Conversational communication is critical. Spiritual fellow­ship is paramount. After worship or fellowship, ask her what she learned and how her soul fared. Ask her how her day went and how the kids behaved today. Ask her about her dreams, fears, and frustrations. Learn to listen; learn to reflect her feelings back to her so that she opens up the more.
    
2. Pray for your wife privately and with her. Lay out her needs before God. Be earnest in praying for her spiritual growth, for Christ to meet her daily needs, for relief in physical and emotional difficulties. Let her feel your strength and your tenderness on her behalf at God’s throne of grace.
    
3. Love your wife lavishly. Love her as she is – faults included. Please her (1 Cor. 7:33). Respect and honor her, and treat her tenderly (1 Peter 3:7). Tell her every day how much you love her. Shower her with affection – verbal affection, physical affection, emotional affection, spiritual affection. Cherish her as God’s special gift to you.
    
4. Heap praise and compliments on her. Tell her how beautiful and wonderful she is in your eyes. Be intimate, specific, creative, and repetitive in your compliments. Compliment her kindness, her smile, her dress, her hair, and a thousand other things. Compliment her with affection in your voice, with love in your eyes, and with arms of embrace. Praise her in the presence of others (Prov. 31:28). Never allow the children to speak disrespectfully to her or about her.
    
5. Learn your wife’s language of love. If she loves daisies and you prefer roses, get her daisies. Does she enjoy walking together? Walk with her. Eating out? Take her out. Learn to love what she loves as much as possible.
   
   Cultivate shared friendship and interests. My wife loves biking; I never did, but I do now! I have learned to like it because I want to please her and I love being with her. (I’ve given up on gardening, though.) The more you find to do in common – worshiping God, walking, talking, taking trips, doing hobbies, visiting mutual friends – usually the better your marriage will be.
    
6. Provide your wife with biblical, tender, clear servant leadership, not ruthless authoritarianism. Using Christ as your pat­tern, delight in serving her (Matt. 20:25-26). Be the spiritual leader of your wife and children. Be the father-shepherd. Lead your family daily in Bible study and prayer. Be a teaching prophet, an interceding priest, and a guiding king. Be a gentle giant in your family – the loving head, not the mean fist!

←⤒🔗

Those are six things to do; here are six “nevers”←⤒🔗

1. Never forget the basic physical, mental, and spiritual differences between men and women; in a word, get a good grasp on male rationalism and female emotionalism, and become an expert at responding to the latter!
    
2. Never allow any relationship to take priority over your friendship with your wife. Stay each other’s best friend.
    
3. Never criticize your wife without sandwiching it between heavy doses of compliments. Don’t bother criticizing small things; as for big things, do it with great tenderness and love, at the right time, and in the right setting.
    
4. Never compare your wife unfavorably to other people. Never criticize her in front of other people, not even family mem­bers, and not even in a joking way.
    
5. Never fail to give your wife an appropriate amount of freedom and “space.” Give her sufficient freedom so that she can strive to be her own kind of a Proverbs 31 woman. Give her space to exercise her own personality in running the household in a God-fearing way. Do not tell her how to run the kitchen! Do not smother her or try to change and control her personality.
    
6. Never stop being a polite, mannerly, and courteous gentleman. Be known as a husband who is always kind. Never become self-defensive or angry. Don’t raise your voice even if she raises hers. If you fail, ask for her forgiveness. Do not let the sun go down upon your anger (Eph. 4:26).

In conclusion, remember this: if both you and your wife put God first, each other second, and yourselves third, you will be guaranteed a truly blessed marriage.