How sad it is when a man and a woman married for a long time have nothing left to say to each other. You sometimes see such couples in restaurants when they wait for the food and they look around the same way strangers do when the casual conversation dies out. When good friends join them at the table suddenly they brighten up; the conversation becomes jovial, friendly and often filled with laughter until the bill is paid and the company leaves.

Of course not all communication needs to be verbal. The way he holds the door for her; the way she welcomes him at home; the way he can tune out anyone else when she asks him for the time; the way she puts a blanket over him when he falls asleep on the couch, the way he talks of her to her buddies and the way he asks her for sugar, honey or tea, the way they look at each other etc., are all nonverbal cues that often communicate, unawares, what one assumes is safely locked up inside the heart.

The fine tuning of verbal and non verbal communication be­tween husband and wife is not a natural skill that is acquired overnight or by virtue of marriage. This fine tuning is the result of a long term process in which husband and wife learn to communicate with each other, beginning in the areas of family, church and work. A healthy level of communication between husband and wife in these three areas is a key indicator of the true health of their marriage. Proper communication in these (but not exclusively) three areas will help to cement the relationship by building those bonds of love, trust and respect that will expand in all other areas of life making mu­tual communication open, regular and natural and as a result, the marital bond stronger.

By contrast a communication filled with unresolved conflicts, disrespect, resentment or indifference in any of these three areas will inevitably create cracks in the relationship that will begin to separate husband and wife by causing disenchantment, disaffection, distrust, indifference and maybe even estrangement. These will sooner or later extend to all the other areas of life as well, weakening the marital bond.

Of course, we need   to add that a healthy level of communication is not nec­essarily free of conflict, which, when properly managed, can actually enable the couple to better understand what causes hurts, what truly matters to the other side, and what is too delicate or too sensitive.

Since, as we mentioned, communication between husband and wife is not a natural skill, but needs to be refined over time, both sides have to make a concerted effort in understanding what the husband or the wife actually do during the day.

A wife needs to realize that what happens in the workplace may, to some extent, affect and/or afflict the family life.

For example, if the responsibilities and the burdens the husband is facing at work require adjustments in the way things are done at home, a wife needs to be aware of them and she may have to adjust her expectations in order to meet the work needs of the husband.

If the work issues have to do with social pressures or coworkers’ expectations or similarly elusive matters, by being aware of such things, the wife may be able to provide insight and suitable advice.

As a helpmeet, the wife may also be the most suitable in helping the husband to deal or cope with work related stresses. It is not conceivable to think that these stresses always remain at work, as they have the power to wear down the husband, fray his nerves and make him more irritable.  All these things will, sooner or later affect and afflict the family as well, if the wife is not there to detect them, discuss them and, if possible, alleviate them.

Therefore it is important for a wife to show interest in the work of the husband; to show interest in his daily routines; to show interest in his work-related friendships and influences. But all these things are accomplished by making an effort in communicating, understanding or simply lending a lis­tening ear.

The Bible gives us hints as to what happens when husband and wife don’t efficiently communicate with each other. In 2 Samuel 6, Michal (Saul’s daughter) watches from a window the parade led by David, her husband. Being at the same time both an uninvolved party (she is watching from a distance) and a critical observer of the parade, she becomes upset. She may have been embarrassed of David at first but then she ended up being con­temptuous of him, “she despised him in her heart” (2 Sam 6:16).

When David returned home, Michal greeted him with words of mocking and reproach:

How glorious was the king of Israel today, uncovering himself today in the eyes of the maids of his servants, as one of the base fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!2 Sam 6:20

David felt the reproach and strongly irritated replied with great harshness. Their exchange of words shows that Michal’s expectations were not in line with the spiritual tenor of her husband. Even though he was a king, religion was not an outward duty for him. His worship of God was not a social or a political expedient to impress the people, nor was his following the ark a means to become the centre of the attention through pomp and circumstance. Basically Michal had not fully understood the core values of her husband and how they would impact his work. She wanted him to act more like the image of the king she had in mind, i.e. more like Saul, her father. When she despised her husband David, for carrying out his kingly duties in a way that pleased the Lord, she failed him as a wife, and for this she was punished, as it is written: “therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death.” (2 Sam 6:23)

Another useful episode, also comes from David’s life. Abigail is described as the beautiful and intelligent wife of Nabal, a fool with no honour or honesty, churly, cross and ill-humoured, “hard and oppressive; a man that cared not what fraud and violence he used in getting and saving.” (M. Henry).

Having become aware of what transpired between Nabal and the men of David, Abigail did not excuse nor condone her husband’s conduct. Recognizing that Nabal could not be approached because of his abrasive and stubborn nature, she intervened in order to avert David’s wrath. Having impressed David with her moral strength and personal dignity, after the death of Nabal, Abigail will become David’s wife. In the chapters following 1 Samuel 25, there are clues that Abigail played a great role in the spiritual growth of David as a leader in Israel. Abigail’s gentle and godly influence on king David can only be fully grasped when contrasted with the influence of Jezebel on king Ahab mentioned in 1 Kings 21:25 where it is written: “But there was none like unto Ahab, which did sell himself to work wickedness in the sight of the LORD, whom Jezebel his wife stirred up.”

If it is vital for the wife to understand and know what the husband is dealing with at work, by the same token, the husband also needs to take an interest in the daily activities of the wife, her daily routines, the friendships and the influences that may develop here and there, regardless of whether she has a career or whether she is an at-home-mom. Also the husband needs to realize that what happens in the household will affect and/or in­terfere with his ability to properly function in the workplace.

If chauvinistic stereotypes tell husbands that they can simply come home and say: “What’s for dinner?” just before becoming couch potatoes there are indeed “immature” men who think they can have fun with their buddies after work or on weekends because they have been working, while the “old bag” has been doing nothing at home the biblical reality however is quite different.

The Bible teaches that the husband must exercise a leadership role in the household. This role cannot be fulfilled if he does not concern himself with the well-being of the household; if he does not take time to alleviate the strains faced by the wife; if he does not take the responsibility to deal with the stresses associated with carrying out the constant responsibilities of rearing the kids and taking care of the household. All these things require constant attention and meaningful communication between husband and wife.

Genesis 16 shows us what happened to Abraham’s family when, we could say, for the sake of his own peace of mind, Abraham chose to abdicate his leadership functions and refused to confront the daily issues and the daily tensions faced by Sarah and Hagar. As a result, his family paid dearly. Sarah lost her maid, Hagar lost her home and Abraham lost his son Ishmael.

By contrast Proverbs 31 shows us how the man can be engaged in the daily life of his wife.

Her husband ... praised her
for the way she works willingly with her hands (v. 13);
for the way she gives food to the household (v. 15);
for the way she handles house related business (v. 16);
for the way she stretches out her hand to help the poor (v. 20);
for how she behaves and grows in wisdom and grace (v. 25-27);
for how she takes care of the children (v. 28) and more.

All daily activities have to be part of the mutual communication be­tween husband and wife. In so doing the husband repays the loving interest and the caring concerns that he expects from his wife.

Of course, should the work place becomes a retreat from unresolved conflicts, or an escape from family responsibilities, or a sanctu­ary away from home, so to say, it is no wonder that communication between husband and wife will dim. It will be even more so when people at work become the real confidants or the trusted influences that undermine or replace the role that should belong exclusively to the spouse. Such breakdown will sooner or later spell doom for the relationship and for the spiritual cohesion of the couple, eventually turning into estrangement. That is why it is important to find the time to share the daily work experiences and the daily household routines with the spouse. Regular communication in these matters must be considered one of the pillars that will help cement the relationship into a long term gratifying marriage.