One of the causes of loneliness and depression, (both of which are forms of psychological need) is according to many in actual fact, a lack of love for and acceptance of oneself. That is why those involved in christian counseling often speak about self-love as a means to satisfy this need; self-love as basis for love towards the neighbour. There even is a command for self-love and by way of therapy, one can learn to love oneself. This raises a question, namely: Is love for self really necessary before being able to love ones neighbour? The Christian Reformed professor J.W. Maris addressed this very question in an article in a Reformed Dutch daily newspaper in March 1994.

Maris does not view self-love as a command. Rather it is a given fact, which is neither condemned, nor may be seen in isolation from the onslaught caused in our life by sin. The Bible characterizes self-love as a sinful love (2 Timothy 3:2). 

Loving your Neighbour as Yourself⤒🔗

It is remarkable that christian counselors aim the spotlight on self–love as the cure for depression, with an appeal to the so called double-command: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart”, being the first and greatest and “You shall love your neighbour as yourself” being the second command, equal to the first. Without self-love one would be incapable of loving the neighbour like oneself. Thus self-love has become the critical prerequisite for neighbourly love, the hidden injunction within the double-command, which precedes all other commands. So the question is: does the double-command instruct us about self-love as a wholesome and healing force? Clearly, the summary of the law contains not three but two commands and on these two commands depend the law and the prophets. The second command does not say “Love your neighbour and yourself”, but “Love your neighbour as yourself”. These commandments are directed at man, who no longer reflects God’s image, who by nature hates God and the neighbour and is inclined to all evil, who discovers the splinter elsewhere, but fails to detect the beam in his own eye; the man who tithes the mint and cummin, but plunders the widow and orphan. As Calvin says: love for oneself brings us to loathe and despise others, causes us to be cruel, and is the source of greed, theft and deceit. We do not need to learn this self-love. We were born with it. Self-love must be transformed into sincere love. Thus self-love can never be the basis for neighbourly love, but rather must be conquered by the blood and Spirit of Christ.

But what if someone has become depressed because he or she was taught to strive for an ideal, which is utterly unattainable? If someone has been driven to impossible demands, having thus learned that neither God, nor parents or friends will accept you unless you are perfect, what then? Is under these circumstances self-love perhaps the key to the problem and medicine for healing?  But does this not place the whole gospel in the balance: to seek your salvation outside of yourself in Jesus Christ? Does Lord’s Day 23 of the Heidelberg Catechism fit with the premise of self-love and vice versa? Is not the glory of the gospel that salvation is not conditional even upon self-love? There is comfort for the depressed persons even before their healing. Teaching someone to strive for an absolutely unattainable ideal or pressing a person to satisfy impossible demands is legalistic, it is a hard, cold and cruel command, void of love. We may rightly say: neighbourly love is then altogether absent. Then the law has been cut loose from the love and the promise of Christ, and has changed in character. In cases such as these, the cure is not found in self-love, but rather in learning all over, the love of God for sinners, learning about the love of Christ, who did not seek himself, but gave himself up on the cross for the sake of sinners, learning about the love of real Christians, who in following Christ do not seek themselves but love others unconditionally.

Detesting Oneself?←⤒🔗

“But”, say counselors, “too often we are confronted with people who detest themselves in a manner which causes them in their deepest depression to resort even to self-annihilation”. Sure, there is a sickly form of self-loathing to which counselors justifiably seek to draw attention. For that reason many plead for self-acceptance, a healthy self-love, whereby people are allowed to love themselves again. In this context I have on several occasions sought to distinguish between self-acceptance and self-love. A girl must learn to accept herself as girl and woman, however difficult this may be at times. The same of course goes for a young man. The act of self-acceptance must be differentiated from the aforementioned self-love.

Yet more should be said about that word self-acceptance, for it remains a bleak and lean word. Besides, it is an extremely unfortunate word. You don’t accept yourself, but rather God’s gift to you, His way with you. Who determines our sex, our age, our descent and talents? We confess God’s providence, God who in unending love creates and re-creates people in His image, upholding and governing them. Then we must also learn to accept God’s wise provisions and loving direction, also as that finds expression in one’s sex, descent or talents. It’s a matter of great delight when self-loathing and self-rejection then give way to self-acceptance.

This is something which needs to be learned. God, the Father loves you and provides for you in matters great and small, right down to the hairs on your head. Why then would you not wash and brush your hair?

Of ourselves we are unworthy of deliverance. On the contrary, on account of our sin we deserve God’s curse and eternal death. Unmerited salvation is God’s portion for me! Christ has purchased and paid for us. Our merit does not precede Christ’s suffering and death, but is the blessed fruit thereof. That is why in God’s eyes our death is precious (Psalm 116:15). Such great love from my Messiah and His Spirit! The Holy Spirit comes to dwell in your body and causes His fruit to ripen in you.  Parents may most definitely praise and reward the good their children do! (compare also Romans 13:3 and 1Peter 2:14). That kind of love gives joy to a childlike faith and lifts a person out of depression.

“But” you say, “does not the Form for Celebration of Holy Supper in the Book of Praise teach that we are to detest ourself?”  No, that is not what the form teaches. On account of our sin shall we detest ourselves and humble ourselves before God (see also Article 15 of the Belgic Confession). See here the gravity of sin: not only a loathing of sin, but on account of these very sins, a loathing even of oneself! That is how much sin affects man! Take away the element of sin and how can we possibly arrive at a proper diagnosis and cure?

“But does God not love us sin and all?”  Certainly, but this is not a matter of course. That is His merciful love. Christ even died for us, while we were yet sinners! Christ had to die. Anything less would not do, so great was God’s wrath over our sin. For that reason, Christian counselors must maintain that self-loathing demanded in the Form for Holy Supper, but then in the manner intended, in the light of God’s love for sinners. God’s love in Christ heals!

Prof Maris, in the aforementioned article pointed to the importance of the gospel of grace and forgiveness of sins in Christian counseling. Our help is in the Name of the LORD, who made heaven and earth.