One of the social highlights of my year happened a few days ago. I didn’t attend a high profile conference or speak to a group of dignitaries. Instead, I had the privilege of sitting on the grass surrounded by fifteen to twenty high-schoolers sharing in one the most honest and sincere conversations I’ve had in some time.

I had originally asked a few teens if they would help me write an article on some of their family struggles. Our conversation centered around several questions that could be summed up in one: “What is one thing you would like your parents to understand about you.” This conversation was not designed to be a complaint session. The questions were carefully asked, and for the most part thoughtfully and respectfully answered. Wanting to avoid the bandwagon effect I asked the students to write down their answers first before we discussed them. Notwithstanding this safeguard their answers were strikingly similar.

This article will seem rather lopsided. It is. Remember, this is just one side of what, ideally, would be a two way conversation. (Perhaps there should be a follow-up article from the perspective of the parents). But I believe that if parents would take these concerns seriously they might hear themselves reading in a younger voice, reminiscent of when they were teenagers.

What follows are six things your teens would like you to know but may not be telling you. Take these points for what they are worth, but keep in mind that they were collected from the real words of real teenagers similar to yours (perhaps they were yours).

1. I don’t think you are trying to understand me. This may sound like a line right out of a punk-rock song but several teens lamented that their parents have “forgotten what it’s like to be teenagers.” According to one teen, her parents only know her according to her likes and dislikes (an okay way to get to know a restaurant menu but not a person). One especially insightful teen would like to remind her parents that she’s still trying to figure out who she is and could really use some help. Perhaps the first line of help her parents might take would be to spend some time getting to know her more intimately.
   
   On a related note, several of the teens expressed frustration over being compared with their siblings. As important as groups are to teenagers, they still desire to be known and understood as individuals. Many parents have defended themselves by insisting: “I treat all of my children exactly the same.” The fact is, they aren’t exactly the same and treating them as such can be counter-productive. There is comfort in being known. The Psalmists rejoices that God has searched him and known him (Psalm 139:1). In a similar way teenagers desire to be truly known by their parents.
    
2. I feel you treat me like a child. In the interest of full disclosure some of the teens admitted that they kind of like being able to play the “kid card” when it is convenient. As in, “Don’t expect too much of me, I’m just a kid.” Still, they do rightly expect an increasingly more mature relationship with their parents
   
   In some sense teenagers are children. Parents should not expect the same level of performance from their young adults as they would from themselves or their own peers. Several of the teens expressed anguish over the too-high expectations their parents have of them. My sense is that over-ambitious parents tend to push their teens to be equally overly-ambitious. One teen is getting the message that her parents think more activities make a better person.
   
   But the reality is, teens are quickly becoming adults and should be treated accordingly. When this doesn’t happen, frustration and disillusionment set in. According to one frustrated teen: “My parents think I don’t have a say until I’m an adult.” My suspicion is that many of our teens have heard a variation on the phrase “just wait till you get into the real world” one too many times. They want to remind their parents that they really do live in the real world and really do have problems. The trivialization of which really hurts. One of the greatest challenges of family life is how to succeed as children develop into adults. The oft-quoted proverb on child-rearing (22:6) begins with the word “train.” The word itself implies that the relationship between the trainer and trainee will change as the latter matures.
    
3. My parents and I don’t spend enough special time together. This might be surprising. Teens suggest that they want more independence. But they are also yearning for closeness, yes, even with their parents. Several of the teens claimed to spend less than fifteen minutes a week in meaningful, personal interaction with their parents. Social commentators remind us that as connected as teens are today, they are as lonely as ever. One sixteen year old said that he and his parents only communicate at dinner and in the car. Teenagers can tell when family time is conveniently squeezed into these otherwise “unproductive” time slots. Some families’ schedules are simply too hectic to allow for any real heart to heart time. One of the most foundational texts on child-rearing strongly implies that real training and growth requires considerable time together (Deut. 6:7). Both quality and quantity time are necessary.
    
4. I wish the main provider of my family worked less. Surprised? Seventy-five percent of the teens I talked with echoed this sentiment. One said, “I don’t like it when my mom isn’t around to hang out with me.” A young man, whose dad works hard to provide his family with all the “stuff” of the good life, still notices how much he isn’t around. A few years ago at a parenting conference I heard Paul Tripp challenge breadwinners to consider taking a demotion, trading in their new cars and homes for older, less luxurious ones and begin recapturing the hearts and calendars of their kids. Not every provider will have to respond so drastically. It might be helpful though, to say “no” to one or two extra-familial obligations per week and schedule instead some family time. The burden upon breadwinners differs from one situation to another. But remember that a father’s main duty to his child is to “bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). It is difficult to fulfill this duty and pursue the American dream of more stuff. One teen summed up what others may be feeling: “I don’t care about money … I love my dad more than anyone in the whole world." and would like him around more.” Your teens don’t want your stuff. They want you. Please consider making yourself more available to them.
    
5. I want to communicate better with you. You might be tempted to respond, “Well, then why don’t you?” Several teens described a desire to be able to speak their mind without being afraid of a negative response. They want to communicate openly but may have realized that they can avoid the lecture if they just keep their discouragements and fears and sins to themselves. Let’s make this concrete. How would you respond if your son had the courage to tell you that he recently struggled with pornography? How different would your response be if the same revelation came from your best friend? Remember, as your teens grow up they begin to become more like peers. Teens also regret not being as open as they know they should be. They know that, despite how they are received, they owe a debt of honesty to their folks. If this is true of your teen, it might not take much on your part to facilitate the kind of honesty and openness you both desire.
    
6. I don’t have everything together. The teens I spoke with, honestly shared their shortcomings in their relationships with their parents. Unfortunately, they were less optimistic about sharing these things directly with their parents out of concern for how they would be received. The character failures they listed will sound familiar to you: I’m disrespectful, impatient, stubborn, irresponsible and overly blunt. I have a quick-triggered tongue and a negative attitude. I regularly fail to communicate and get easily angered. You could add to the list.
   
   I don’t know about you but that list reminds me of someone: ME! As a parent I don’t have everything together either. But now I wonder how much energy I, like our teens expend trying to put up a façade. One way to begin dismantling that façade is to implement James 5:16, “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another…”

Regrettably, an “us-versus-them” mentality seems to exist between many parents and teens. A helpful question might be, “How much is each party to blame?” God knew that as sinners, parents would provoke many of the disagreeable traits listed above. He, therefore, warns especially fathers to examine their own hand in their children’s faults (Eph. 6:4).

Many of the teens either hinted at or explicitly affirmed their love for their parents. Most of them didn’t give the impression that their parents were failing them. Still, if the above is any indication, our teens and their parents could use some help.

What should you do?⤒🔗

Read “Age of Opportunity” by Paul Tripp (P&R, 2001). Off hand, I cannot think of a book, in any category, that more helpful to me than this one. One of the simplest suggestions he gives parents is to pursue their teens. “Don’t ever let them view you as being outside of their functional world” (80). 

Talk to your teen about some of the issues raised here. I might suggest NOT announcing to him that the two of you are going to have a “sit down” talk about some problems in your relationship. Instead, the next time you have a common, quite moment with him (Deut. 6:7), tell him that you really value your relationship and want to be more involved, more open and more honest. Perhaps you will ask for forgiveness for your part in the distance that has developed between you. Then ask a few simple questions with the intention of NOT following up their answers with a lecture. Instead you might hear your teen out, thank him for her openness, and promise that you will bring the things he’s said before the Lord in prayer. And then do just that, trusting that he will work all things out for good.