The Problem⤒🔗

Dear Alasdair,

...At work I try and witness about my faith and I'm glad to say that quite often the subject of religion comes up and I'm able to say something about my faith to others.

But when I come home it is a different matter. In front of my husband and my mother-in-law, who stays with us a lot, I just seem to freeze and can't say a thing. They don't stop me going to church and we've got a good relationship, my hus­band and me. It's just that I don't seem to be able to witness to them. Yet the most important thing to me is that John be converted.

I feel so frustrated, I'm afraid this is going to interfere with our good married life.

Mary.

The Answer←⤒🔗

Dear Mary,

Thank you for your letter. Your obvious concern and your frustration are very natural for someone in your situation. You share with John complete physical union — one flesh — yet complete spiritual disunion. Owing to your good re­lationship, you have much in common, yet spiritually you have no common hope, feelings or fears. I know you love him deeply and your anxiety is in proportion to that and naturally you long to see him converted.

Firstly, Mary, the hardest place to witness is in our own homes. Our loved ones know us best. They know our strengths, our failings, our inconsistencies. While we can hide these, to some extent, from our work­mates, we cannot hide them from our families. There­fore, don't be surprised at this difficulty.

Indeed, some believers know from sad experience the biblical warning that those of our own house are often our bitterest enemies. Although in your house there is no "active" opposi­tion, it is still a divided home spiritually, and to some ex­tent you will experience the truth of our Lord's words, "only in his own house is a prophet without honour" (Matthew 13:5-7).

No Competition←⤒🔗

Remember also, Mary, at work you have a completely different "role" to the one you have at home. (By the way, congratulations on your recent promotion.) At home, however, you are not the "boss"; John is. (More on that later.) You have the added dimension, of course, of your mother-in-law staying with you, although thankfully she does not appear to interfere.

All I would say is that you don't try and compete with her for John's favour and attention, or don't find yourself always comparing your performance as a wife to the way his mother looked after him for the last twenty years or so! I don't believe she needs any special witnessing to and if you love John in a biblical way I can hardly see your witness in her eyes to be detrimental.

More importantly you must not blame yourself because John is not a Christian. The Christian partner in a couple some­times feels that, if only he or she had done this or the next thing, the partner would be saved. Non-Christian partners often give, or imply, some glib reason why they are not converted. It takes more than a perfect wife to save her husband. Men are saved remember, without perfect examples. No matter how good your witness is we are wholly dependent on God showing mercy.

Sympathetic←⤒🔗

Lastly, you should try and see the situation from his viewpoint. Can you imagine the tangled emotions he has experienced since your con­version? He's no longer your sole priority. Someone else has first claim to your love and allegiance. He will most likely be jealous because he can't understand what's happening and where all these new friends have come from! Above all he feels you have "changed".

I hope these points will help you find a balanced perspective on the situation and will encourage you to be biblical and realistic in your witnessing.

Spontaneous←⤒🔗

Whenever we think of wit­nessing we usually think in terms of our words and ac­tions. I notice that you are still having difficulty initiat­ing witnessing at home. It's much easier for us all, be­lieve me, when the topic comes up spontaneously.

My strong advice is to avoid any artificial manipu­lating of situations to bring religion up. John will sense it immediately. There are times when it is inappro­priate to speak, that is, when the atmosphere is stiff or when the least suggestion of Christianity causes embarrassment.

I know that you are strong-willed by nature and ready to act to get what you want, but discretion is the name of the game here. Cer­tainly you did well getting him to church "that once" although sadly he left unim­pressed. There's nothing wrong with encouraging him to read the Bible and other suitable material but don't force-feed him the faith by leaving strategically placed tracts around the house.

Reading between the lines, Mary, the little you have al­ready attempted may appear to have been in vain — as it often is. Indeed, all "direct" attempts to effect a change sometimes have to be abandoned, as they are likely to do more harm than good as they only provoke resist­ance.

The Power of Example←⤒🔗

What then must you do? Well, certainly there is no reason for despair. I was reading today that most partners are brought to Christ by a consistent appli­cation of biblical principles, and the most successful wit­ness was not by the word but through behaviour. We find this teaching in 1 Peter 3:1-6.

Peter is saying here that if your husband is not converted by the word, he may be "won" by your be­haviour. It has been justly said "that a silent work is better than idle speech". Peter mentions a number of duties.

The first one is submis­siveness.←↰⤒🔗

You are asked to respect John, not because he always deserves or demands it but rather that this is the role God has chosen for you as a Christian wife.

Many cringe today when submission is spoken of. It gives an image of dominance and subjection rather than the biblical picture of loving leadership and partnership. Moreover, when a husband is respected he feels loved and fulfilled.

Now, Mary, I know that living this out in your mar­ried life can be agonising. It will test your faith and try your patience. (See my wife for details.) If you think this is difficult, it pales into in­significance compared with a husband's duty to love his wife as Christ loved the Church.

Nevertheless I do believe that if God gives us a duty, He gives us the grace to per­form it. Of course, remem­ber too, it is subjection "in the Lord". John's authori­ty does not rule your con­science. Your obedience has limits, for example, you won't sin for him or let him stop you going to church. In everything legitimate try to obey this command. After all, is it not true, that the submissive wife gets most of her own will?

Purity←↰⤒🔗

The second obligation that Peter draws attention to is purity and reverence. This refers to the way we live and conduct ourselves. The point here is that commending the faith in our daily lives is more convincing than just speech alone. I read an American expression that sums up the inconsistent lifestyle, "he wants to talk the talk but he doesn't want to walk the walk".

Beautiful←↰⤒🔗

The last responsibility Peter raises is that your life should be beautiful. Peter is talking about inner attrac­tiveness (although the Bible has no argument with exter­nal beauty). The inner beau­ty is identified as a "gentle and quiet spirit". What's happened to women today? Who belittles this? Who in some way thinks it's beneath them? Sometimes one wonders if the spirit of the brawling women, so graphi­cally portrayed in Proverbs, with her domineering brash­ness, is not more admired.

I am still convinced that this quiet and gentle spirit can have a profound effect. Yes, it takes grace, because meekness can often be mis­taken for weakness. It is not easy when everyone thinks it's your duty to be always meek and mild. Is it ever ap­preciated? By anyone? By my husband? The consola­tion for you, is that in God's sight it is of great worth.

One last point, Mary. Peter gives you a role model to follow — Sarah. He con­centrates on her obedience. This is encouraging because Sarah was not perfect. Yet she was blessed for her obedience and is held up as a model. Will not God bless your witness then, even if it is imperfect?

I'll need to close now. Don't be weary in well do­ing. Keep on praying. Prejudices can be broken down. You are "witness­ing". Above all keep the promise before you that one day you may win your hus­band for Christ. Meantime, Mary, seek from God the grace of acceptance. It is ab­surd to live your life with the attitude that some day, when John is converted "then" I will be happy. We can waste years of our lives being un­happy over things we have no power to change.

Yours,
Alasdair.