A Threat to Family Life?⤒🔗

"The average male (including Chris­tians) works so hard that he spends less than thirty minutes per day with his wife and family in meaningful communica­tion." The foregoing statement was made by Dr. Frank Minirth M.D., a private practitioner in psychiatry and clinical psychology and member of the faculty of Dallas Theological Seminary.

The statement by Dr. Minirth is "ut­ter nonsense," considering that Christians would never allow such a situation to de­velop in their family lives ... or would they? After all, no one would argue that work is a most healthy and necessary en­terprise. We've learned that first hand, haven't we, as most of us as immigrants or children of immigrant parents carved out a living in our new land over the past several decades? Notwithstanding this healthy appetite for work, is the problem of workaholism really one found only in non-Christian families? We will work to­wards an answer to that question.

The subject of workaholism is cer­tainly not new, witness the books and arti­cles on the subject that are becoming in­creasingly popular. Obviously, as the root word of "workaholism" suggests, we are dealing in a general sense with the subject "work" which in itself, as we know from Scripture, is desirable. A quote from 2 Thessalonians 3:8-12 is appropriate: "We did not eat any one's bread without paying, but with toil and labor we worked night and day, that we might not burden any of you. It was not because we have not that right, but to give you in our conduct an example to imitate. For even when we were with you, we gave you this command: 'If any one will not work, let him not eat.' For we hear that some of you are living in idle­ness, mere busybodies, not doing any work. Now such persons we command and exhort in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work in quietness and to earn their own living."

We must ever keep in mind that the work that Christians do through the pow­er of the Holy Spirit, for the purpose of ex­alting our Lord and King in everyday life, is both necessary and a blessing. We also emphasize at the outset, and ask our read­ers to keep this firmly in mind, that there is no intent to condemn work, nor any suggestion that the portrait of the worka­holic as described is necessarily linked to being actively involved, for example, in church activities. The dangers outlined are possible, however, and only close self-examination will conclusively decide whether you are consistently overworking at the expense of your family. For al­though work is commanded of us, and al­though it is healthy, the workaholist goes beyond what Paul instructs us in his letter to the Thessalonians.

Specifically, workaholism involves a passion for overwork, or, put another way, having such a dependence on over­work that family life, including family de­votions and even personal health, may suffer. When we use the term "workahol­ic" then, we are very simply referring to an individual who consistently works too much. And what sort of activities could such an individual be involved in? The workaholic, for example, can be preoccupied, at the expense of his family life, with his everyday job; perhaps with church work, school work, or committee work; with a never-ending social life related to his job; with tasks around the home or in the garden; or (last but not least) perhaps with sports activities, both actively and passively. We stress that all of these acti­vities are desirable and necessary in them­selves. The point is, however, that they should never be undertaken to such an ex­tent that meaningful communication as part of family life suffers.

In our list of "preoccupations" we mentioned church- and school-related ac­tivities; allow me to digress for a moment. We have seen that using our God-given talents for work in God's kingdom is com­manded of us. However, is it not often the case that the tasks relating to committees, school work, and church activities are shared by only a limited number of indi­viduals?

The problem is not new nor is the so­lution difficult. Quite simply, it requires thoughtful cooperation by individuals asking to participate and by individuals asked to participate in certain activities. Those who do the asking should consider carefully whether the person they are thinking of asking is perhaps already in­volved in enough activities. We frequently hear the statement that there are not enough "good" people around; therefore we tend to come back to the same people over and over again. However, and often to everyone's surprise, it has been proven in the past that individuals who are not in­volved, perhaps because they were never considered capable enough, when asked, rise to the occasion and in fact are quite willing and able. In many cases these peo­ple were just waiting to be asked.

In addition, those who are being asked to participate in an activity should carefully consider their present involve­ment and perhaps be prepared to say "no." To sum up, I believe that we should aim for as broad a base as possible for participation in activities.

Not Immune←↰⤒🔗

So much for the digression. We now confront ourselves with the question whether or not it is true that Christian family life is immune to the effects of workaholism. In the final analysis this is for the reader to judge for himself. If you are not yet convinced there is a danger, perhaps your judgment will be aided by the following illustrative scenario. See if there are any familiar features in it for you.

Father is up to go to work very early in the morning — before anyone else in the family — has breakfast hastily and by himself, and then dashes off to work. Mother and the children are still asleep. Of course, Father has spent no time with his family due to his early departure. Mother is up next with the children, has breakfast with them, and then sends them off to school. Mother, of course, spends the day by herself or with other children at home. Later in the day the school children come home and are "entertained" by the television set while supper is being pre­pared. Father is extremely busy and will not be home until later, and so Mother has supper alone with the children. When Dad does come home, he gobbles down his supper because he has to attend a com­mittee meeting at 8 o'clock which (he re­minds Mother and the children) is in less than twenty-five minutes. He has to rush off, of course, leaving mother to put the children to bed for the night.

The scenario may have extremes in it. With minor changes here and there, how­ever, similar days occur all too frequently in Christian families as well, do they not? At this point I think we can agree that it is indeed possible that the Christian family is by no means immune to the dangers of lack of regular communication and to the consequences of workaholism.

If that is the case, what are some of the consequences of a too-often absent parent? The list seems endless and it is a worthwhile exercise to think of others be­sides those outlined below which will fur­ther emphasize the potential dangers to the family unit. We turn to Scripture, specifically Deuteronomy 4:9-10, and ask ourselves whether this command is in jeopardy. We read: "Only take heed, and keep your  soul diligently, lest you forget the things which your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life; make them known to your chil­dren and your children's children — how on the day that you stood before the LORD your God at Horeb, the LORD said to me, 'Gather the people to Me, that I may let them hear My words, so that they may learn to fear Me all the days that they live upon the earth, and that they may teach their children so.'"

Priorities←↰⤒🔗

Put very simply, the workaholic father fails in completing the command quoted above. At the same time, we are reminded of the promise we made as parents when our children received the sign and seal of the Covenant. Those well-known words tell us to "instruct our chil­dren in the aforesaid doctrine to the ut­most of our power." We as parents should allow nothing to interfere with that priority, with that promise made to God.

Workaholism creates the danger that two separate "worlds" are established within the family, each on many occasions independent of the other. As Father pur­sues his obsession, the remainder of the family goes their way, and meaningful communication is invariably affected. Thus, when a particular crisis does devel­op in the family and meaningful commu­nication is necessary to resolve it, such communication is not possible.

Consider another potential conse­quence. The lack of time spent together as a family is critical. It is possible that be­cause of the workaholic husband's obses­sion with his commitments it becomes necessary for the wife and mother of the family to in some way make up for the time which the husband is unable to give to the family. Raising a family today in­volves complex problems which in many cases, cannot be solved by one partner alone, but which husband and wife must solve together with the help of God. A husband who is constantly engaged in outside-the-family activities, may take for granted that his wife is able to manage the family during his frequent absences. The problems encountered during the day may unfortunately never get discussed by hus­band and wife in meaningful communica­tion.

It cannot be stressed enough that constant communication between hus­band and wife is vital to a family. It is timely to ask whether we increasingly find ourselves in the position that as a consequence of workaholism those precious and necessary moments spent between husband and wife — simply discussing the matters of the day, for example — are dis­counted as a waste of time. Such spending of time together is a blessing of the Lord, indeed a blessing many of us may often let pass by. Nor should we rule out the possi­ble effects of workaholism on the children in the family. The children may well grow up using their ever-hard-working father as a model; as a result, children of workahol­ics are often afraid to fail.

A Vice, Not a Virtue←↰⤒🔗

A further consequence — quite obvi­ous, yet again often overlooked — is that when the workaholic is pursuing his goals, he is selfishly ignoring his wife and chil­dren. Yet many times he may not under­stand this selfishness because he may hon­estly view his work habits as dedication to his family — the "I-am-doing-it-all-for-­them" idea. However, in reality he is so wrong, because, as we have seen, the fam­ily suffers severely because of his subtle selfishness. The workaholic parent is of­ten an individual who is unable to relax, and that is hard on himself as well as on the rest of the family.

Not all the situations described above fit, nor is it a complete list. However, think about some of the consequences mentioned before hastily concluding they could not possibly apply to your family situation.

There are quite some problems, quite some serious consequences that are possi­ble, and we now ask, "Must it end there?" Thankfully not! Allow me to sug­gest some "cures" for the situations outlined above. These cures begin with Scrip­ture. We refer to Luke 10:38-42. We know the story: Christ was visiting in the house of Martha whose sister Mary was listening intently to the Lord's teaching, while Martha "was distracted with much serv­ing" (v. 40). Martha had the opportunity to listen to the teaching of the Lord, but she chose to work, to prepare a dinner. And when Martha complained, "Lord do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me," the Lord answered that Mary had chosen the good "portion, which shall not be taken away from her." We see here a conse­quence — namely, worrying over many little things — but we are also offered a cure — namely, a listening heart to what our Lord and Savior has to say in His Word. Preoccupation — you remember the word — together as family, with God's Word is the first step toward a cure for workaholism. Set aside time (yes, do it right now!) to enjoy your mate and children and to make family devotions and family life a priority by ensuring they re­ceive your time regularly. The workaholic who indeed works too hard must have his mind and feelings changed through the Word of God. The following needs to sink deeply into the heart of the workaholic "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden" (Matthew 11:28), for with God nothing is impossible.

It has been mentioned that the work­aholic seems unable to relax. This must be learned. The workaholic must schedule more time to relax and this must be done, for example, by taking a vacation (many workaholics don't — "no time"), or by getting together with friends for games, fellowship, laughter, conversation. And exercise should not be forgotten; it can be an excellent form of relaxation.

Another suggestion is to make allow­ance for a quiet time with Christ daily. We mean, of course, His Word, which will teach us as we grow with Christ that when we become frustrated and angry (which both can lead to excessive "out-of-home activities") taking time to read and study His Word and to pray will help us over­come this. The workaholic is often a wor­rier — worrying about all the many things that could go wrong with his job and all the other things he is involved in. Again Scripture provides the cure. Matthew 6:34 sums it up. "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trou­ble be sufficient for the day."

We see that, as with all problems in life, the ultimate cures may be found in the Word of God. We cannot enrich that wisdom. However, many add the follow­ing practical cures in point form.

1. Husbands and wives, make time each day to discuss with each other the events experienced during the day.
2. Fathers, take time to communicate with your family. The older generation tells us that, before we know it, our children will be grown and gone, and then it's too late.
3. Learn to say "NO" to requests which will tax your time at the expense of your family. Never be afraid to give your family as a reason for turning down participation in an activity.
4. Fathers, don't take the problems of your everyday job home with you. In­stead, show an interest in what your children accomplished during the day.
5. Become involved on a regular basis with a family activity (for example, swim­ming, skating, skiing, hiking, boat­ing, etc.).
6. Try to make time for even a short vaca­tion every year — a wonderful time for the family to spend together in God's creation.
7. Take time to relax daily — really relax — just meditating, doing some light reading, or engaged in easy conversa­tion — just so you take the time on a regular basis to rest from the busyness of today's world.
8. Do well at your job. Remember, we must use our God-given talents, but not so that our work becomes an ob­session. Instead, do your best and be content with that.

These are by no means all the "cures," nor have we identified all the problems earlier. Hopefully, a start has been made, and fathers and mothers of Christian fam­ilies will ask themselves whether the dan­gers of workaholism perhaps pose a threat to their family unit.

I cannot conclude without confessing that my interest in this topic stemmed from what I experienced myself and from what I saw around me also in Christian families.

This article may not go very deep, practical as the problem is. Hopefully it will encourage all of us to spend some more time with our families, to build a richer and more blessed family life.

The workaholic checklist . . . do you have any of the symptoms?←↰⤒🔗

• ...obsessed with talking about his job ... never discussing his fami­ly ... only how hard he is working to provide for them ... a family struc­tured on work rather than enjoyment of each other...
• ...cannot relax ... always thinking about work, work, work...
• at work at 7 a.m. ... leave work at 10 p.m. ... 6 days a week...
• ...cannot say "no" to any request for a committee, a board, extra time at work, or helping out every time...
• ...has a passion not only to perform, but to perform well ... his every thought is focussed on meeting a certain standard...
• ...often tries in subtle, and some­times not so subtle, ways to escape from his duties as a father and husband...