Why is it so hard to control the tongue? James 3 says that the tongue is like a rudder on a ship or a bit in a horse's mouth. Let's modernize the analogy, since most of us don't have a horse, let alone a ship. The tongue is a small tool that has so much power. The tongue is like a pair of hedge clippers.

When I was growing up I hung out a lot with my cousin, Erna. We were often found enjoying the outdoors together. One afternoon we came back from the woods and as we put our gear away in the shed, we discovered a whole mess of burdock in one of Erna's pigtails! We knew we were in trouble because there was no way we were going to get that out. We searched for another means to solve our problem. That is when we eyed the hedge clippers. Erna held her pigtail out to the side of her head and just as I was going to make that great clip to get rid of all our troubles ... Erna had a revelation. Erna saw herself sitting in grade 3, on Monday morning, with only one pigtail. If I had cut off that pigtail there was no way I could have reversed what I had done.

The hedge clippers are a tool to be used to trim and beautify our shrubs. Some people have the gift of gardening and they love it. Other people love it and are not good at it, but they think they are. Most of us could use some good tips in hedge clipping class before we just go at it. Imagine the damage an inexperienced hedge clipper could do. You don't get a second chance with hedge clippers. The same is true of the tongue; most of us could use some life skills in communications. You don't get a second chance with the tongue. You can't take back things you have said once they leave your mouth. You can apologize, but you can never take back those words.

It would have taken a long time for Erna to forget what I had done in that moment of haste if I had clipped her pigtail.

Many of us think just because we have a tongue, we should use it freely. But the tongue was created to be used to give God glory in some very beautiful ways. So often we misuse our tongues. Have you ever thought about the power of the tongue? With it we build up our families and we praise God; but we also use it to slander, gossip, and shame our Father in heaven (James 3:9-10).

I think we can all think of times when we spoke things we shouldn't have. We abused the other person with our verbal hedge clippers. Once we learn to communicate in a godly way we see how a lot of our problems are our own doing. We need the tools to bless our relationships, instead of tearing them down. In every relationship you have, sooner or later you will realize that you are two sinners who need redemption. God gave us the tongue to encourage and help our brother who is also struggling in this sin filled world.

Dr. Bob Smith has a CD called the "Four Rules of Communication" through Faith Resources, in Lafayette, IN. I'd like to share some of his insight with you.

Be Honest⤒🔗

The first rule Dr. Smith gives is: be honest. Ephesians 4:25 says, "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbour, for we are all members of one body." God cares about how we speak to each other. God wants us to attack the problem not the person. Our first step is to be honest with each other. How often do we embellish, or exaggerate a story to make others think better of us and less of the other person? Sometimes we outright lie or misrepresent others to fill our own agenda.

Maybe you are a person who likes to use one hundred percent words such as "always" and "never." We might say to our best friend, "Eddie, you always make fun of my mother!" or "Ellie, you are never on time for anything!"

Some of us use "back door messages," where a husband might say, "My mother cooks way better than this, and she worked outside the home too!"

Sometimes we say "I love you." But our body language is saying something very different.

These would all be wrong uses of our verbal hedge clippers. How do we put on honesty in a loving way? Ephesians 4 says that we must speak. That means that you must deal with the problem if it is something that is going to break brotherly unity. You must not ignore it or talk to everyone else about it first. This also means that both sides take turns speaking and listening. Listen without assuming what the other is thinking. Dr. Smith reminds us that our goal in speaking the truth is not to speak your mind, but to solve the conflict. Don't attack the person; rather, attack the problem in a loving way.

Instead of taking your hedge clippers out and destroying the other person's hedge because they did it first; it would create a far better end result if you went to the person and honestly talk to them about why what they did or said was wrong. For us, it is much easier to use our verbal clippers and make a damaging hole in someone. It gives us a sense of power.

Keep Current←⤒🔗

The second rule Dr. Smith gives us is: keep current. Ephesians 4:26-27 says, "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." Solve the issue quickly. We give the devil a foothold when we nurture our hurts. Matthew 5:23, 24 tells us to deal with conflict before you worship. Problems, left on their own, tend to surface over and over again. That affects our decision-making skills. This usually leads us to getting nasty and impulsive, and then the chances for unity are hindered. Dr. Smith says that's when our anger ferments, turns into bitterness, and we attack the other person. Hebrews 12:15 tells us that bitterness leads to compounding problems on top of problems, which leads to greater division.

Sometimes we would rather avoid the problem and not make a big deal out of it. We don't want to put the effort into peace. Or sometimes we don't keep current because we feel we might lose the argument. So we bring up hurts or sins of long ago in order to bring down our opponent. This demonstrates an unforgiving heart and a desire to win the conflict rather than a desire to resolve it and reconcile the relationship.

If we see a small vine growing into our hedge, or into someone else's, we need to deal with it quickly before the vine does serious damage to the health or life of that person. Ignoring a potential danger is not a wise thing to do.

Attack the Problem, Not the Person←⤒🔗

Our next rule is: attack the problem, not the person. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption" (Ephesians 4:29-30). Use words that edify and help solve the problem. Don't attack the person's character; rather, address the sin of those involved. Avoid words that tear down the person or that are unwholesome. Don't use name calling; instead use the phrase, "When you ____, I felt ____."

Pick words that are timely. Be sensitive. Eleven o'clock at night is not always the best time to start a deep discussion with me. Also look at how you may be partly to blame for this conflict. We are all sinners in need of a Redeemer.

Use words that lead to a solution. Offer ways for both parties to deal with the problem together, so they walk away with a solution that blesses; instead of destroying.

"Words that attack the person instead of the problem bypass the conflict," Dr. Smith warns us. Maybe it is your goal to bypass the conflict, but that is sin. When Job speaks to his wife about her unrighteous response to Job's situation, he attacks the issue at hand. He does not attack his wife, who suffered all those losses with him. She also watched her husband go through great suffering and she didn't know how to help him.

Don't use your clippers to hack another person's life just because you are angry, or because their mannerisms annoy you. Always approach another person in love, to restore and build up the relationship.

Act, Don't React←⤒🔗

The last rule is: act, don't react. In Ephesians 4:31, ­32 we read, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." This list applies to all of us! Dr. Smith warns us that we tend to be defensive about our sinful nature. We hold tight to those things we don't want to change.

Maybe we are doing things that we know are not right but we don't respect God enough to change. When someone approaches us we are quick to put our walls up. In come bitterness, wrath, anger, slander, and malice. We soon allow ourselves to think of ways to wish another to suffer. We seek revenge.

Be kind, tender-hearted, compassionate, and forgiving. Dr. Smith states, "Forgiveness is a promise to not bring it up for the purpose of hurting the other person." Ephesians 4 says we must learn to replace wrong words and behaviour with godly words and action. It is easier to react when we are under pressure. If you didn't sleep well last night because the baby kept crying and you were helping your tired wife, you still don't have any reason to blow up at your late employee. Your words belong to you and they are your responsibility.

When a bad reaction happens, ask yourself what triggered it. What happened that you didn't like? What did you want to happen in this situation? Why? Who were you worshipping with your reaction? That is a good question for every person to ask often. As brothers and sisters in the Lord we need to remember that the goal is not to get what we want. "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31).

Hedge clippers are meant to do works of beauty. We use them to prune, but always for the goal of creating something better. If someone hacks a hole in your "hedge", do you feel you have the right to return that damage to them? Jesus never did. He humbled himself for the glory of the Father. That is our calling too. Think before you react. Changing habits is not easy, but it can be done. We need to go to those who have sinned against us and also to those we have sinned against and try to restore what has been damaged. Do you encourage others? Do people trust your tongue? Pray for wisdom so that your tongue may be a blessing to others.