What I'd like to point out in this article is that sexual intercourse is pure and noble only in its proper sphere. I'd like to illustrate this with a story that I heard many years ago while sitting in the pew. It went something like this:

There was a mother who loved gardening. She was very good at it. She was a regular “green thumb.” She knew how to care for plants, and she knew how to prepare the soil. One spring she was working in her front flower garden. Her little helper was at her side. Her son was dressed to play the part of the gardener. He had gloves on, and a pair of rubber boots. The boots were essential, for he had the important role of “water-boy.” Now the mother was completely absorbed in her garden. She had already spent considerable time preparing the soil. Like an experienced farmer, she held some to her nose and smelt the pungent odour of the rich, organic soil. She said to herself “What beautiful soil.” A few moments later, she realised she hadn't seen or heard her son for the last little while. She turned around to look for him, but he was nowhere to be seen. Suspecting that he had gone into the house, she went to look for him. She opened the front door of the house. As she scanned the lounge, her eyes were drawn to black footprints on her light lounge carpet. When she found her son, she scolded him saying, “Son, you should have taken your boots off at the door! Now there's dirt on my carpet!”

Did you notice the change in the way the mother spoke about the soil? In its proper setting (that is, in the garden) she spoke of it as “soil.” In fact, she said that it was “beautiful.” But the moment that the soil was removed from its proper setting, it became “dirt.”

The same is true for sexual intercourse. In its proper setting of marriage sexual intercourse is beautiful. But the moment that sexual intercourse occurs outside of its proper setting, it becomes “dirt.”

To appreciate this we need to remind ourselves that sexual intercourse signifies and seals the love between a man and a woman. We defined love as “that devotion which prompts someone to sacrifice himself totally for the well-being and happiness of another. Love is giving oneself. Love is laying down one's time, resources, even one's life for another.” When sexual intercourse occurs outside of the sphere of this self-sacrificing devotion to each other, it looses its beauty, its sanctity, and its purity. It is no different than someone celebrating the Lord's Supper who lacks this self-sacrificing love and devotion to God. The sacrament is profaned.

It should be clear, then, that all sexual intercourse outside the sphere of this self-sacrificing love and devotion is forbidden by God, and is impure and unholy. But may a couple engage in sexual intercourse if they are deeply in love and plan to marry in the future? May sexual intercourse occur wherever the self-sacrificing devotion between two people exists? On an earlier occasion, I spoke briefly about this. Let me repeat what I wrote then.

A man and woman might love each other and devote themselves to seek each other's well-being and happiness prior to the swearing of vows and legal union. This will undoubtedly happen during courtship. Feelings of love and the desire to devote oneself to the other will grow stronger and stronger. A courting couple will feel themselves becoming one in heart and mind, and they will also experience a growing desire to become one physically. These are natural and wholesome feelings that God has created. But a couple who recognise in themselves and in each other a mutual love and devotion, and who feel themselves being drawn together should not delay in swearing vows of mutual love and exclusive devotion. For God has instituted marriage as the sphere wherein love and devotion between a man and a woman are to find expression.

I have called sexual intercourse the sacrament of marriage. I need to be more specific. Sexual intercourse is a sign and seal of the promises in the covenant of marriage, just as baptism is a sign and seal of the promises in the covenant of grace. Before a man and woman give themselves physically to each other in sexual union, they must not only feel love for and be devoted to each other; they must promise life-long love and devotion to each other. They are permitted to seal this promise by means of sexual intercourse only after these promises have been made in the form of a vow before God.

First Impressions are Lasting Impressions⤒🔗

One's first sexual encounter leaves a very deep and lasting impression. I have had occasions where a marriage partner comes to me because they are experiencing marriage problems. During the course of the discussion it becomes clear that the problems are in the bedroom. The man complains that his wife is frigid. She shows no enthusiasm for sexual intercourse.

The reason for this can often be traced back to her first encounters with sexual intercourse. If the first impressions and experiences are negative, the lasting impression is negative. Therefore it is beneficial to discuss the importance of first “impressions.”

Pre-Marital Sex?←⤒🔗

If in a moment of weakness and temptation, a sincere Christian couple have fallen into sin, or have lived in sin for a period of time by engaging in pre-marital sex, their conscience will burn and convict them of sin. At the end of such an evening, the couple will each go to their own home feeling guilty, even dirty. Their conscience accuses them that they have done what is forbidden. They have not kept their bodies pure and holy. Their first encounter with sexual intercourse is one where they could not thank God for giving them such a beautiful sign and seal of their promises of life-long love and devotion. Instead, they have to turn to God with sorrow in their heart for having grieved God by taking what God had not given. Their first sexual encounter cannot be described as “soil” but as “dirt. And first impressions are often lasting impressions. These feelings can linger long after marriage. Their earlier sin may prevent one or both of them from seeing the noble and pure character of sexual intercourse, and leave them with the notion that sexual intercourse is really “dirty.”

What if a couple have sinned and engaged in pre-marital sex? Can their view towards sexual intercourse be corrected? I believe it can! Learning why they have a negative attitude towards it, and seeking God's forgiveness should clear away the negative impressions. Learning about and showing the love and devotion signified by sexual intercourse should impart a wholesome view.

In this matter, the old adage is true: an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure. How blessed are those who have prayed for and received strength to endure temptation and whose first sexual encounter beautifully signifies and seals their promises of life-long love and devotion. Also in this case, first impressions are lasting impressions.

Giving Versus Taking←⤒🔗

In order for the beautiful symbolism to find expression in the “sacrament” of sexual intercourse, it must be “celebrated” in the right manner. By right manner I mean that the thought of “giving” oneself for the other must be displayed in sexual intercourse. In some instances, however, this does not come out. This is especially true when sexual intercourse is regarded as nothing more than an itch that needs scratching.

Men and women differ in their needs and feelings. Kind words and loving gestures are very important to a woman. Therefore the “lead up” to sexual intercourse is very important for her. For men, however, the physical realm ranks much higher in importance. He is more interested in sexual intercourse itself. If a man is focused on the satisfaction of his own needs and desires rather than on his wife's needs and desires, he is “taking,” not “giving.” The result is that his wife will feel “used.” When this happens, the beautiful symbolism of sexual intercourse is not expressed. Instead of expressing “self-sacrifice,” it expresses “selfishness.”

If a person's first encounters with sexual intercourse are as we have described them above, his/her first and lasting impression towards it will be negative, and he/she will lose all enthusiasm for sexual intercourse. It is important, therefore, that in the celebration of this sacrament husband and wife endeavour to convey the thought of giving oneself to the other, rather than taking the other for oneself.

Sexual Abuse←⤒🔗

It has happened that a very caring, considerate, loving woman has married a very thoughtful, devoted husband. Yet she loathes sexual intercourse, and is only a passive partner. Her husband is confused and frustrated, and cannot understand why she is the way she is. Only after much counselling does the truth come out, and sometimes too late. She has been sexually abused as a child. Her first encounter with sexual intercourse was one that left her feeling used, dirty, ashamed and guilty. So horribly traumatic is her first encounter with sexual intercourse that it leaves a very deep and negative impression upon her – one that is not erased even after being married to a kind and considerate husband for some time. This can lead to great marriage problems.

To be fair to each other, those who have suffered sexual abuse should discuss this with their fiancée before they are married, so that together they can both work to overcome these first and lasting impressions. Through good and open communication, and with the help of God and a wise and trusted counsellor, they will be able to overcome these deep and lasting negative impressions regarding sexuality, and cultivate a new and wholesome view towards it.