This article deals with families which have problems, caused within the family. Social factors, influencing the family, are excluded here.

In the first part of this article we will deal with the marriage of the parents, as they are the architects of the family. As it is impossible to chart all the problems between marriage partners, I will limit myself to just one problem-area, namely the reason why people choose each other as partner to start a family.

The second part of this article will deal with some rather common family issues. It will deal with the family as unit of parents and children.

This article concludes with a third part, dealing with difficulties which arise after the marriage of the parents has ended, due to the passing on of one of the parents, or due to a divorce.

I. The Married Couple with Problems⤒🔗

Why do people get married? What makes people follow the rule of the Creator: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24).

In our Western culture, most people will say that they married for love. At the beginning of the marriage there is the hope among most marriage partners that their lives will be enriched by everything which is expected of that love: attention, sexual satisfaction, children, status, the feeling of belonging, to be needed by someone, material care etc. People of faith expect that, in and through their marriage, they can serve the Lord better — “Husband and wife shall live together in sincere love and holiness, helping each other faithfully in all things that belong to this life and to the life to come”  (Form for the solemnization of Marriage — Book of Praise, page 629).

No one can do without love, no one can be without loving and being loved.

But who can love unconditionally and receive love in this world, tainted by sin? Our love is incomplete, and even though also our love for the other person can be renewed through Christ’s work (in us), we remain, until the new heaven and earth arrive, people who are happy as a result of the fall into sin. This may sound paradoxical, but one of the biggest stumbling blocks is to love and to receive love from the other while lacking self-esteem.

If our self-esteem is low, if we do not appreciate enough the talents which God has given us, then we are prone to let everything depend on the continuous proof of our partner that we matter to him/her.

You can never really love the other if you tie the other person down. If you expect from the other that (s)he appreciates you while you yourself deep down do not appreciate what you have and who you are, than you are actually using the other to confirm yourself.

Then you do not love the other for who (s)he is, but only for what the other means for you.

Marriage partners are often not aware of many expectations. There is a folk-wisdom which says that “every man expects in his wife his mother”, but do we really think about these things when we start our married life?

And even if we are cognizant of this, which consequences do we then draw from this knowledge?

A practical example:

The Janssens have been married for eight years. They have three children. Their marriage has, in their estimation, always been good. Lately the Janssens often argue. They have noticed that this arguing started after they moved from an apartment to a house that they themselves were renovating.

As both agreed to the move and they quickly felt at home in their new surroundings they are wondering if the arguments have anything to do with the renovation.

From an analysis of their problems it shows that this is indeed the case, but from a different perspective than they are thinking. To understand this, we must go back to the beginning of their relationship when each person brought along their baggage from their upbringing and youth. Baggage in the form of experiences, habits, characteristics and connected with these: desires and expectations. He comes from a family of three children. His father died when he was twelve. His mother did not re-marry and brought up the children on her own. The climate at home was clearly matriarchal, i.e. driven by the motherly, the feminine. Feelings and emotions were often talked about. One watched the other carefully, and one could read from the other’s face how they were feeling.

She hails from quite a different family. You had to be active and just do it, without any complicated talks. If you were not feeling happy, you did not show this, and reading from each other’s faces that something was wrong was not part of family-life. Nasty feelings were not acknowledged.

When they got to know each other, they complemented each other well with their baggage. He found her active go-do-it behaviour refreshing compared to the gradual, heavy, difficult and pressing climate at home. She was proud, uncomplicated and upbeat. Conversely, he was for her the first friend who could really listen (to her) and talk with her. He also taught her to speak about herself, something she was not used to at home.

After eight years of marriage, the initially surprising baggage has turned into ballast. She finds him difficult if he, late at night, starts with a complicated discussion about something. She finds that it does not result into anything worthwhile. It always ends in him blaming her that she does not understand him; that she does not respond to what he says; that she looks on without interest, and that she is tired in the evening.

On top of that, he does not like it that she spends the whole day organizing things, being active, devoid of cozy-ness, freeing up very little time for the two of them, spends too much time with the kids and now throws herself into this renovation.

In a certain way it therefore is true that their problems have something to do with the renovation. Being tired, stressed out, too many things to do for both of them are bringing the already acknowledged differences in ballast just above the line where tolerance changes into irritation. The renovation was the trigger. The baggage which turned into ballast was the cause.

Why does baggage actually change into ballast? Can we escape this or is it unavoidable? In general, baggage triggers opposing expectations on both sides.

What does Mr. Janssen expect from his wife: that she is being herself in all her glee and cheerfulness and at the same time that she meets him in his need to talk, to be understood, to work on things together, which she experiences as being heavy-handed.

Conversely, she desires that he, besides his characteristics like being a good listener and wanting to talk, which she appreciates, leaves her the freedom to organize, not having to pause at everything she does or having to do everything together.

These opposite expectations are currently not being met anymore, due to the busy-ness of the renovation. It is even worse, as they demand from one another and refuse things from each other. And so, they interact with each other in a manner in which neither person recognizes themselves anymore. Escalation, polarization, distrust and negative reactions to each others’ actions are an everyday occurrence.

In this practical example we see how the choice of partner works through in the marriage. Conscious and subconscious desires from the marriage partners which often go back years before the marriage determine to a large extent the happiness of the marriage.

To solve issues connected with this we don’t have to always necessarily go back to the past when the choosing of the partner took place.

It can already be very beneficial when partners are found willing to look together at how they currently interact with each other. Learned behaviour, their past upbringing, weak areas, ideals can be seen as idiosyncrasies which, in times of struggle, have turned into bad manners or even rudeness. These (bad) manners are to be accepted, or, if that is not possible, they are to be adjusted or corrected.

In this day and age there are counselors who have developed good methods to gain an overview and insight in conflict areas. The struggles of a wrong approach or, due to a lack of knowledge, not-used manners can be alleviated.

II. The Family with Problems←⤒🔗

Every family has a different form and structure. Reacting to tensions and problems is done in every family in a manner which fits that family. The parents play an important role in this, as they are the principle architects of the family. In the following part we will look at a number of forms and structures which occur in our society and which cause problems.

1. Families with a “Sergeant”.←↰⤒🔗

Large families are even in Reformed circles not so common anymore as they were in the past, but still occur proportionally quite often.. When there are many children in a household, one of the children (and sometimes more than one) is often given some “parental” responsibilities. Such a “sergeant” takes over certain parental responsibilities, as representative of the parents. If the responsibilities of the “sergeant” are clearly defined by the parents and if they are not more than the child at his level can manage, then such a structure can work well for a long time.

The child itself can experience satisfaction from this unique position and can learn from this. But the child can also get into a pinch between opposite expectations. A “sergeant” may find himself often locked up in a lonely position. The child may not receive enough attention and may seemingly conduct himself strangely and ask for attention in a negative manner.

It can also be that the other children are suffering under the presence of a “sergeant”. Younger children are “left” to the loving attention of the oldest brother or sister while they deserve and eventually can only flourish through the direct loving attention of the parents. Assistance in these families can only have good results if the positions of the parents and the children are examined and changed.

2. “Accordion” Families←↰⤒🔗

In some families, one of the parents is away for a long time. For example, in military or sea-faring families. Such families are at times like a single-parent family. The parent who stays at home has extra responsibilities, sometimes at the cost of the co-operation between husband and wife. Children can embrace this, or they can take advantage of this. The father who is away can be degraded to a bogeyman, or to a person who allowed everything which now is forbidden by the mother. Problems may arise when such a father lands a different job which places him again at home permanently. This ought to allow for some adjustment of functions and positions and the returning parent is to receive his rightful place within the family. It may be that problems which arise in this time of transferral will be of a temporary nature.

3. Fluctuating Families←↰⤒🔗

Some families constantly move from the one place to another. This means that members of the family are continually forced to feel themselves at home in a different place, to make new friends etc. The response of the family may be that it becomes a closed unit, and in the end does not begin new relationships anymore, as they have to be broken up anyway after some time.

It is important that parents realize this and also accept the fact that the children or the wife and mother for some time do not function so well.

4. Families with Authority Problems←↰⤒🔗

Authority problems appear in various forms over time in a family. In families with young children you often see that parents are struggling with a child who does not accept any rules. Social workers think that such a small “tyrant” often has an accomplice. “If a three- or four-year old tyrant wants to rise above the other family members, then he or she must stand on the shoulders of one of the adults” a family therapist writes somewhere. Often you will also see that such a child is capable of driving the parents apart.

For the social worker it is important then to ensure that a clear hierarchy is established again, where the parents have the lead. In families with children going through puberty, the authority problems may be caused by the parents’ inability to make the switch from being caring parents of young children to parents who create space for the development of a child’s own identity. The entire family has to re-group then; children as well as adults enter a new phase of life.

If problematic conflicts arise between parents and children in this phase, then it is best for the social worker not to side with one or the other part of the family. He is to support the parents in their responsibility to set rules and to ask to be respected in their position. At the same time he is to support the child(ren) and their request to have space for him/herself.

5. Families with a “Black Sheep”←↰⤒🔗

When husband and wife have a problematic and conflicting relationship and they cannot acknowledge and discuss this consciously or subconsciously, it frequently happens that one of the children becomes the black sheep. When a black sheep has been identified, be it in the role of a sickly child, or as a child always to be blamed, the child always naughty, then the husband and wife do not have to discuss their own (troubled) relationship. It may also happen that the things which both parents disapprove of in each other are being punished in the child that was chosen for the black sheep role.

In families with a black sheep, the one parent may function as the pursuer of the black sheep, as the parent who is most annoyed by the child’s actions, does not leave the child alone etc. The other parent is then often the one with the role of mediator or neutralizer of the actions of the pursuing parent. But all in all, the attention is now drawn away from the real conflict which is present as marriage problem of the parents.

6. Families with Child Abuse←↰⤒🔗

In families where child abuse occurs, the parents are not able to control their aggressive reactions to their children. These parents react as if the children are extensions of themselves. Often it is clear sign of powerlessness or of their own pain. “My sadness slaps me” is the title of a book by Lize Stilma with pronouncements of parents and children with child abuse. Sometimes child abuse occurs when there is a very narrow bond between a child and e.g., the mother, and the father then attacking both the mother and the child. In these families the discord between parents finds a way out through the child.

7. Families with Incest←↰⤒🔗

Via the newspapers, radio and TV a lot of attention is nowadays given to incest. It is dangerous to just dismiss this as a fashion subject, as behind incest many serious (family) problems are hiding.

The worst part of incest is perhaps that the child has actually no father, mother, brother or sister anymore, but that others are sexual partners of the child. Natural generation borders are being broken, borders which are of the utmost importance of every person. All safety, warmth, protection have vanished for the child who cannot trustfully look up anymore to the other (person) or to older brothers or sisters.

Of course, the child also incurs great damage through incest in its sexual development, but because this article deals with family problems, I will focus on incest as a problem in the family. The coalition father-daughter, mother-son is more important in such families than the coalition of the parents. Very often this also occurs in families where physical or psychological force is commonly used and where the privacy which children also need is commonly not respected.

III. The Family After a Death or Divorce←⤒🔗

The following will deal with problems which occur when one of the parents has passed on or has left the family after a divorce. Here also the issues of stepparenting will arise.

1. One-Parent-Families Due To a Death←↰⤒🔗

In these families the tasks of the missing family member must be again divided. Sometimes people are unable to do this, and they experience this as an act of unfaithfulness to the memories of the person who passed. Or the family may develop a stand such as “if mom would have been alive, she would know what should be done”. Such a family can hang so much onto the forms of the past, that it holds back the development of a new family structure. It is important to view such a family as being in a transition phase, where family members must get an opportunity to work towards new forms, if necessary, with the help of others.

It may happen that children take on the role of parent in the incomplete family. What is written in the second part of this article about families with a “sergeant” may also apply here. If the family, for example, consists of the mother and one child, then the child may perhaps spend much time in the company of adults. Psychologically the child will likely develop faster compared to children of a similar age, while physiologically he may stay somewhat behind. On top of this, in this family you will notice that an intensive style develops in relating to one another. They will be adept to read the moods of each other’s faces, to quickly respond to and satisfy each other’s needs and to be able to answer other people’s questions, even before they are posed. All of this can breed a mutual dependency as well as a mutual rejection, and these can appear interchangeably.

2. One-Parent-Families After a Divorce←↰⤒🔗

Everything which applies to an incomplete family after a death may also apply to this family. Then there is also the issue of the arguing between the partners/parents which often continues after the divorce. Often the parents who are divorced are unable to keep their children outside of the conflict.

For children, the divorce is a very emotionally dramatic experience. They are also dependent on what parents do; perhaps that is the worst aspect for children of parents who are separating. They did not choose this. Children are also often brought into a conflict of loyalty; they must constantly choose. Choosing whom they are to love, whom they are to be angry with. Most children do not want a separation in their heart of hearts, in the end they do not want to lose either one of their parents. Perhaps children will choose (by force) or it may appear that they are choosing, but especially for young children it is impossible to voluntarily give up one parent and let him or her depart.

If all goes well, then the child will have contact with the departed parent, also after the divorce. In the context of how to deal with each other, agreements are to be made as to how often, when and how long the interactions will be. For the child remains the child of the parent who left, even if this parent does not have the official parenting role.

Especially tied in with these interaction agreements quite often problems appear, which arise from the troubled relationship between the ex-partners. The parents are then unable to distinguish between their own feelings of anger, disappointment and sadness and the feelings and needs of the child. Even if the child at some point would not want to have contact with a parent, then it is still important that parents keep their own troubled relationship outside of this. For it can be that the parent with whom the child lives really appreciates the fact that the child does not want any contact with the other parent. Or that the departed parent in advance already thinks that the other parent is up to no good, because all their thinking about the other parent is negative.

If a child does not benefit from a relationship with the other parent, then it is important to not view this as a permanent situation. It must always be possible to establish contact when the child is ready for it. Recently the Supreme Court made a pronouncement which is very important, also for Reformed parents who are separating. Up till now, one of the parents was given the official parenting role. The children’s judge pronounced who what would be. The Supreme Court has now decided in a case of appeal that in that situation not one of the parents is to be given the official parenting role, but that both parents continue to have the same rights and responsibilities in regard to their child. In this case the parents had shown that they were both able to take care of and teach their children, even though they did not live together anymore. Obviously, this can only work if the divorced parents live quite close to each other, so that the child can remain in the same school, keep the same friends, regardless of the fact that he lives with the father or the mother.

3. Families with a Stepparent←↰⤒🔗

When a stepparent is added to a family unit, he or she will experience an integration process which will prove to be successful (or not). It can be that the stepparent does not give himself completely to the new family, or that the original family unit does not fully accept him or her.

In our culture it is all too readily presumed that a family is “ready to go” when a stepparent enters the fold. Fairy tales about the angry stepmother do not add anything positive to this. Stepmothers can be much afraid that they are seen this way and therefore they may behave in a way which is very constricted. This can also demand a lot from the natural parent.

It becomes even more difficult when the stepparent brings along her own children. It is very important that all those involved create and account for a gradual unity. Perhaps the two incomplete families which are placed together can see and approach themselves and each other as two cooperating halves. And that they can maintain for some time their original functional borders while at the same time making room toward developing one larger and new functional unit.

For children of divorced parents, the arrival of a stepparent means that a third parent is added and sometimes also a fourth parent, when both parents of the child have a new partner. Four parents can create many difficulties and much confusion (for the child). And yet, for the development of the child toward their own identity it is of utmost importance that the child has a good relationship with both of its biological parents. From both, after all, it has received hereditary traits. The child must be able to count on the fact that, despite their broken marriage relationship, they both feel responsible for the happiness and wellbeing of their child.