To get married, or not to get married is not as easy as it seems. For a start, there’s an apparent theo­logical difficulty. In the book of Genesis we read, “it is not good for the man to be alone” (2:18). This seems to suggest that marriage ought to be for everyone. But then in Paul’s First Letter to the Corinthians, we read, “It is good for a man not to marry” (7:1).

Is this a contradiction or is Paul saying that there are some exceptions to the general rule? It seems that the latter is more likely the true interpretation. However, if it’s OK to be married or single, how do we work out whether we should marry, and if so, what sort of a marriage partner should we be looking for?

Let’s assume that God has gifted you in such a way that you are meant to be married (1 Cor. 7:7). Now for the big question: Who is the right person and where is he or she? I’m waiting! Why aren’t they here yet? Maybe they are here and I haven’t realised it? Oops! Better marry my girlfriend quickly! What if he/she doesn’t come along in time? What if I don’t meet every single available person in the world before it’s too late and therefore I never meet the right one? Panic! How will I know?

If you are a single person who is troubled by uncertainty over whom you should marry, or panic over whether you will ever be able to get married, then read on.

God loves us too much to leave us without guidance in every area of our lives, and how to get married to the right person is no exception. As the creator and sustainer of life and relationships, God gives us the wisdom and warning we need from Scripture as we contemplate marriage.

First, let’s look at some important questions that we should be asking ourselves as we consider the possibility of entering into a life-long marriage relationship with a potential husband or wife.

One is, are we truly content in God regardless of our condition in life? The reality that the Bible so clearly spells out is that if you’re not content to be single, you certainly won’t be content married. Paul says we need to be content in whatever circumstances God has appointed for us. His testimony is, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation” (Phil 4:12). We must recognise that He has the guiding hand in our circumstances (Proverbs 19:21). God will determine our marital status.

If we try to take matters into our own hands then our lives can become very complicated. Eve wanted to do just that — to take over God’s job. You may find yourself doing this when your desire to be married usurps your desire to honour the Lord. Ask yourself whether the relationship you are seeking is more about fulfilling your own needs rather than sewing the Lord. You must accept that God doesn’t owe you a husband or wife. He may have some other plan for you. Remember that God’s wisdom transcends our own: “How unsearchable His judg­ments and His paths beyond tracing out?” (Rom. 11:33).

Another is, are you praying to glorify God in your decision? “Dear God, please give me a spouse.” Is this the kind of prayer God wants to hear? Perhaps a reason for the Lord’s silence in response to these sorts of prayers is that He wants us to grow in godliness. Our prayers reflect our maturity — one of the reasons that “the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” is that the prayers of the righteous reflect the Lord’s pleasing will (James 5:16). By reading the Scriptures and praying daily, we will be more able to keep a proper perspective on our desire to be married, and will be more likely to respond to God’s potential calling in other areas of our lives.

A third question is, is your proposed marriage partner a Christian? Paul warns us, “Do not be yoked together with unbe­lievers” (2 Cor. 6:14). Remember that finding a Christian isn’t about finding someone who says they are a Christian and goes to a reputable church. The Bible tells us “by their fruit you will know them” (Mt 7:16, 20).

Look for someone whose actions reflect their hearts’ desire to know our Lord Jesus more deeply and on a daily basis. Find someone who displays humil­ity in speech and action: “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit” (Ps. 51:17). Make sure they are honest: “Surely you desire truth in the inner parts” (Ps. 51:6). Even Christians have been deceived by others who have withheld information about drug use, gambling and a criminal past. Be assured that they acknowledge their sin (Ps. 51:6). Are the fruits of the Spirit obvious in their lives?

Fourth, are you committed to sexual purity? “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity...” Girls, don’t buy the lie that you will cement the love and commitment of a man if you give yourself to him sexually. Men, make sure you are treating “younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” (1 Tim. 5:2).

Furthermore, we should take a sober­ing leaf out of Song of Solomon, where the female “beloved” counsels the “daughters of Jerusalem” not to arouse or awaken love until it so desires (Song 2:7; 3:5; 8:4). This refrain in the Song of Solomon is timely wisdom for us. We live in a society that everywhere says, “if it feels good, do it ... sex is there to be enjoyed and indulged as much as you like — with whomever and whenever you like”. But the Song reminds us that it violates God’s law to push sexual boundaries before you get married (Song 2:7). To do so is to awaken “love” before the time is right — which binds yourself to someone with whom you have no commitment before God.

Fifth, are you carrying guilt for sexual sin? If you have fallen into sexual immorality, remember that sexual sin is not the unforgivable sin. You can receive forgiveness, cleansing and spiritual renewal (1 Cor. 6:9-11). If you have fallen, are you repentant? You can confess your sin and receive forgiveness (1 John 1:9). Men, have you confessed your sin to a trusted brother, and girls, to a trusted sister in Christ? (James 5:16). If you have baggage from previous relationships in this area, it is vital that you deal with it before taking it into the next. Remember, Jesus Christ offers a fresh start. Commit your past to the Lord as you trust Him in the present with your hopes for the future.

For further consideration… Consider seriously whether or not you are ready for marriage. What is your relationship history? How do you rate your maturity as a Christian? What are you going to bring to this relationship? Do you seek to solve problems biblically? Is it your habit to submit to Scripture in all areas of life — and especially the relationship domain?

Think seriously about the character of the person you might consider marrying. Write a list of the things you really admire about them. Your list should include the fruits of the spirit — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal. 5:22). If it only includes things like “he makes me laugh”, “I try new things with him” or “she’s really hot”, then you have a problem.

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise” (Prov. 19:21). Ask some of your trusted Christian friends and leaders for counsel. What do they observe about the two of you? Ask your parents. This is true whether you are 20 or 38. Even if your parents aren’t believers, the Lord has seen fit to have them raise you — so they may have some valuable insights to offer. The Bible does not instruct adults to obey their parents, however it does point out the folly in completely disregarding their instruction.

Look for someone you agree with on most things. Girls, would you be able to lovingly submit to this man on points where you differ? Men, is this woman one you are able to lead tenderly in the Lord? “A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping” (Prov. 19:13). There are many areas of Christian living that are still being debated by great theologians. You are wise to choose someone whom you agree with on most, if not all of these big, but not gospel, issues. Endlessly arguing over how to interpret “the rod of correction” might be amusing for after-dinner conversation, but when your children are throwing tantrums in the supermarket you had better know and agree on what you are going to do.

Choose someone who is self-con­trolled. Do you think the man who is unable to control himself before marriage with his girlfriend is likely to be able to control himself as a married man with other women? “Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control” (Prov. 25:28).

Think seriously about whether or not you are ready to leave and cleave. Do you understand what “leaving” your parents will involve? Do you understand what “cleaving” to your spouse will require? You may need to talk with both sets of parents about this reality to help determine what your new life as Mr and Mrs will look like.

Don’t be discouraged by the images of “beauty” and “desirability” that our culture prizes. The Bible is starkly absent of instructions such as you must be able to dance, you must be a gorgeous blond, you must be a size 6 (or the new 4!), you must be able to make others laugh, you must have a lot of money and a successful career in order to be a worthy marriage partner. The Lord’s wisdom tells us that “charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting” (Prov. 31:30). Remember, God is the one who made you and he loves you more than you can ever fully comprehend this side of Heaven (Ps. 139).

Consider how you relate to each other’s families. A common reason for marital problems is due to a failure of the husband to defend his wife against criti­cism by her in-laws.

A final note: perhaps you are in a relationship right now and are trying so hard to make sure that you have covered all the biblical ground you need to cover that you forgot to enjoy being with the other person. Remember God’s intention for relationship: “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Marriage is a wonderful gift from our Lord, one to delight and rejoice in. It has been our experience that in God’s time, with God’s leading, getting married to the right person is not hard work. May the Lord bless you and keep you as you look to Him.