We have seen that God instituted and designed marriage, and that He designed the husband-wife relation­ship for intimate companionship. We now continue consideration of what we can and must do in order to enjoy a beautiful, strong relationship be­tween husband and wife.

Establish right priorities⤒🔗

Set your priorities straight in order to realize God's design for intimate companionship in marriage. Next in importance to your relationship to Jesus Christ must be your husband-wife relationship. Do not allow self-centeredness, a covetous spirit, pride, the desire for pleasure and material possessions, the desire for worldly recognition or any other such sins to motivate you to become over-com­mitted to other things. If this has al­ready happened, repent of it, seek God's forgiveness and work together toward Biblical change. That may re­quire working intensively on one or more of these root sins for several weeks, perhaps even months. At the same time, earnestly seek the fruit of the Spirit, including contentment. "Godliness with contentment is great gain." "People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruc­tion. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have pierced themselves with many griefs" (1 Tim. 6:9, 10). This is tragically happening to many today. Not only does it often contribute great­ly to a breakdown in the marriage, but the poor children suffer deeply along with their parents. Be very sure to set your priorities straight and keep them that way.

Good communication is essential←⤒🔗

To realize God's design for intimate companionship, good communication is essential. Dr. Jay E. Adams in his excellent book Christian Living In The Home says, "A sound husband and wife relationship is impossible apart from good communication. A healthy relationship between parents and children depends on such communica­tion in order to get along ... Com­munication is vital to a Christ-centered home because it is a means by which a husband-wife relationship and parent-child relationship is estab­lished, grows and is maintained. Apart from the open channels of truthful communication there can be no truly Christ-centered home" (p. 27, 28). That this is true has become abundant­ly evident in my counseling ministry. In the first session of marriage coun­seling I soon ask the husband and wife to give the data which is necessary for me to get an accurate picture of what is troubling them in their marriage. In at least ninety percent of the cases either the husband or the wife will soon say something like, "We don't (or can't) communicate well together." Often it is the very first thing that is mentioned. Therefore, at the appropriate time I give them specific reading assignments on this subject and we spend three or four counseling sessions on developing good communication. As they work at change in this crucial area, the effort invariably helps much to restore and strengthen the marriage relationship. There's just no doubt about it, good communication is part-and-parcel of a good marriage, one in which in­timate companionship is enjoyed.

Forgiveness is essential←⤒🔗

In order for you to realize God's design for intimate companionship, you must faithfully and consistently forgive each other, as God requires you to do. One of the major factors contributing to perpetual conflicts, or even a total breakdown in many mar­riages, is a refusal on the part of either the husband or the wife — or both — to forgive after a wrong has been com­mitted or after they have a conflict. When genuine forgiveness is not granted, a wall builds up between hus­band and wife. There is often hostility, bitterness, resentment or even hatred. Then even a little spark of conflict or a minor offense can cause a big blow­up. The home, then, becomes like either a battle ground or a morgue, in­stead of a happy Christian home.

Peace, tranquility, a good relation­ship comes only through forgiveness. If you are a Christian, you have peace with God, a good relationship with Him. Why? Only because God gra­ciously forgives all your sins. Paul gives us the key to good relationships when he writes, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Col. 3:13; see also Eph. 4:31, 32). By this he does not only mean that we are to forgive because God forgives us. The word Paul uses means that we are to forgive in the manner that the Lord forgives us. When God forgives you, does He still hold your sin against you? Does He hold you at arms length in His relationship with you? Act cold toward you? Condemn you at all? No!! Does He bring up your sins again and again? No! When God for­gives, it's done. "There is no condem­nation to those who are in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1). He accepts you to­tally and loves you as if you had not sinned at all. Aren't you thankful for that? Now, Paul says that we must be like that. Such forgiveness must begin in the husband-wife relationship.

In this crucial matter we have all failed at times. But some have a spe­cial problem with this sin. If you hap­pen to be one of them, and you, your spouse and family are already ex­periencing the bitter fruits of an unfor­giving spirit, I have good news for you. You can, by the grace and power of God, overcome that sin and become a forgiving person. In this specific area of your Christian life, "work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good pleasure" (Phil. 2:12, 13). In my coun­seling I have often seen rapid — sometimes very dramatic — changes in marital relationships as spouses genuinely forgive and keep on forgiv­ing each other. This can happen to you, too, if you are born again and the Spirit of God dwells in you.

Marrying in The Lord is essential←⤒🔗

To realize God's design for intimate companionship within marriage, you must be sure, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you "marry only in the Lord." Paul makes this clear when he writes,

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said, 'I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.'

You cannot enjoy fel­lowship on the deepest levels if your spouse is not a Christian. In fact, there will be much disharmony, often very severe conflicts. There will be dishar­mony in your basic goals, your daily life-style, your choice of entertainment and recreation, your choice of friendships and social activities. Tragi­cally, there will be disharmony in the rearing of the children the Lord may give to you.

I have dealt with many heart-break­ing cases. This is the way it often goes: The unbelieving fiancée promises to become a Christian, go to church, join in daily devotions and, in general, to adopt the Christian way of life. This may be done in sincerity — not know­ing that one cannot put on Christianity like a coat, cannot become a believer by his or her own will. (See John 1:12, 13). He or she may take a few weeks of Bible study (catechism), then make profession of faith and join the church. Outwardly he or she begins to conform to the Christian way of life. It looks good for a time. However, after the initial excitement of marriage wears off, the basic disharmony begins to become apparent. The unbelieving spouse at heart does not really want to conform to the Christian way of life. More and more he or she gives expres­sion to that. The believing spouse may grudgingly compromise at times in order to keep peace. But, if the Chris­tian spouse is maturing in faith and godliness, conflicts arise and keep on increasing. Since that basic require­ment for intimate companionship is missing, they have a very poor relation­ship. In some cases they manage to stick together. In other cases they eventually get a divorce.

If they already have children a cus­tody battle begins. Most frequently the outcome is that the wife gets cus­tody of the children and the father gets the right to have them at his separate place of residence every other weekend, perhaps also on the Wednesday evening of the week he does not see them. So the Christian parent may have the continuing agony of seeing his or her children reared in a non-Christian home, or at least receiving very significant ungodly in­fluence from the unbelieving parent. Lest anyone might be thinking that I'm painting too dark a picture, I must mention that I have seen two cases go very much like that in recent months. It would take pages to relate the ter­rible misery that even one couple and their children go through because of a mixed marriage.

←⤒🔗

Do all mixed marriages fail?←⤒🔗

By the grace and power of God, it does happen that the unbelieving spouse becomes a Christian and the couple enjoys intimate companionship such as God designed for marriage. It even happens sometimes that the spouse who entered the marriage as an unbeliever becomes a more mature Christian than the other. That is the exception — not the rule. This should in no way encourage anyone to go con­trary to God's clear instruction not to marry an unbeliever.

The duty of pastors and elders←⤒🔗

Pastors and elders, as well as parents, ought to lovingly, urgently and persistently counsel youth and young adults to not marry an un­believer. Certainly they should never approve of it. However, I have dis­covered that many pastors and elders are failing in this. Many are accepting too easily the apparently sincere promise, the partial outward conform­ity to the Christian way of life and, in some cases, a quick confession of faith (after a few weeks of Bible or catechism instruction) on the part of one who was evidently not a believer. When this happens it is a disservice to all parties involved. Often the bitter fruits appear very soon.

But, do pastors and elders have the obligation or even the right to meddle in such a personal and family matter as the choice of a marriage partner? Think of what Paul says to elders, "Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the Church of God, which He bought with His own blood" (Acts 20:28). Is it not clear that God gives pastors and elders the high calling to warn mem­bers of the flock if they begin to go in the wrong direction with their lives? If they are apparently making choices that are contrary to the revealed will of God? Should they not do all they can to persuade them not to do those things which will in all likelihood bring trouble into their lives? Can you think of anything of more crucial im­portance than the choice of a mar­riage partner? Is it proper, is it permissible, for a pastor or an elder to know that a member of the flock is moving in the direction of marrying an unbeliever, and do or say nothing about it?

It is my conviction that it is urgent for pastors and elders to give this mat­ter a much higher priority in their busy schedule. Love for the Lord and love for His sheep ought to motivate them to cautiously, discreetly and earnestly counsel people to marry only in the Lord, so that they may ex­pect His blessing and enjoy intimate fellowship within marriage.