A Sensitive Subject⤒🔗

This subject has been presented to me from actual experience. It is increasingly common for the church council to be asked to organize a funeral service when a child dies at birth or just before birth. I understand that even outside of our churches, official funeral services are being requested more and more in such cases.

Let me start by saying that I find it difficult to write about this. We are dealing with very sad experiences. There is suffering and mourning; loss and sorrow need to be dealt with. In such a situation, reading an article such as this one can be hurtful and may make dealing with it extra difficult. However, I cannot avoid putting to the reader a few things related to this matter. In doing so, I emphasize that I am expressing my personal opinion. One can think differently about the following and act differently in it as well.

I think it is important that there is a timely discussion in the congregation, and in particular in the church council, about the course of action to be followed. In this regard, the pastor has a significant input. When a funeral service is held, the task rests on him.

It goes without saying that children who die before or at birth are buried. The law requires this. A human fetus that is born after a gestation period of at least twenty-four weeks must be delivered (that is, buried). In the years before this original article was written, there had been a discussion in both the Nederlands Dagblad and the Reformatorisch Dagblad (two Christian daily newspapers in the Netherlands) about the question as to what should happen to a fetus that is born earlier. I will not get into that issue at this moment. In this article I am particularly addressing the situation about a child who is born lifeless or who dies at birth.

Experiences←⤒🔗

In the years of my ministry I have experienced this sad situation several times. In consultation with the parents, our practice was as follows: I went to the house or to the hospital. There we read and prayed with the parents. Then I would go with the father to the cemetery. I can still recall how, more than thirty-five years ago, a father carried the small coffin to the grave by himself. There I recited the Apostles’ Creed and prayed the Lord’s Prayer. Then we returned to the mother. We told her what we had done and experienced. Then we again sought strength in Word and prayer. These are experiences from many years ago.

Is there also room in such a situation for an official funeral service, either in the church, one of its side rooms, or in a hall at the graveyard? If I may express my thoughts on this, I must say that as a minister I would find this rather difficult. I have very strongly experienced the above-mentioned mourning ceremonies as a family event. Everything took place in the privacy of the family. However much I advocate openness (and even more so now), the privacy of the family was welcome in these situations. As a pastor, I found that I could speak in a more personal way than when many others—strangers or distant family members — were present.

A Family Occasion←⤒🔗

As I think back to these experiences, there is still a sense of: in those sad days, that was the best way. Of course the parents, and I as well, would inform the church members about this later. I did not experience the fact that they were not present as a loss, no matter how much I love the community and appreciate the experience of the communion of saints. On the contrary, as far as I am concerned, this was good. I believe this also applied to the parents’ experience.

When would I like to plead for a more official funeral service? When the child has been included in the congregation through a birth announcement card and thanksgiving in the church service. I am not saying there would not have been any sympathy from the church before. Yet the arrival of the child (the expectation, the birth, and the following death) occurs mainly within the family.

To my knowledge, the distinction is determined by whether the child that was born has gained a place in the community through the above-mentioned actions. I do not know if others can share in these ideas. As far as I am concerned, I would not like to impose or prohibit anyone. A lot depends on how the parents experience it, and what serves their process of grief in the best way.

We have to be careful. I have heard of a congregation in which a child was born, but who died very unexpectedly after two days and without prior illness. It is very much understandable that the parents and the congregation then feel the need to come together.

Reflection Is Needed←⤒🔗

It is good that a church council, and for that matter the congregation too, discuss this topic before such a sad situation arises. This article is only to be a starting point for this kind of reflection. I will mention again that I find this a sensitive and therefore difficult subject. Let me also repeat that a lot depends on how parents experience it and how they would like to see it handled. It seems desirable to me that the minister and the church council would provide leadership. To me it appears to be a necessity that they reflect about this and discuss this with each other.

In a small group discussion on this subject, the idea was suggested that the desire of parents to have an official funeral service was motivated by respect for life in a society in which abortion is widely accepted. This consideration has a profound meaning. Personally, my thoughts do not change because of this. However, I would like to respect the wishes of the parents all the more.

Could another consideration be that the boundary between family events and what is happening outside of this is becoming more vague? It seems clear to me that there is less and less distinction between the two. Also in this regard there is evidence of an increasing openness.

I hope that the above can stimulate us to a discussion on the subject.