Not This Way⤒🔗

It is more than fifteen years ago, but I remember it as if it were yesterday: after the catechism classes for students aged 16 and up a girl approaches me. She wonders if I can solemnize the marriage of her and her boyfriend in the near future. She is a member of our church, but her friend is not. He is not a member of any church, nor has he ever been, and the Christian faith means nothing to him. When I ask what he thinks about such a solemnization of marriage in the church, she replies that he has no objection to it and that he wants to marry her in church.

Note: in the Netherlands, marriage ceremonies are typically conducted before local civil officials; the marriage is then often “confirmed” (bevestigd) at a later separate ceremony in the church.

I hesitate and look a little dubious. I cautiously say that an ecclesiastical confirmation of the marriage is somewhat difficult, but that perhaps a kind of prayer service is possible in the room next to the church. Immediately she says she doesn’t want that. She means an official service in the church, complete with kneeling and blessing, and otherwise she doesn’t need it. I notice that the conversation has failed. She was sad and disappointed, I felt powerless and reproached myself: “I should’ve done this differently.” And I think: Never again like this!

How Then?←⤒🔗

But how should it be handled? Because in 2 Corinthians 6:14-16, Paul writes, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols?”

Judges 3 shows how dangerous an unequal yoke is for Israel: “And their [that is, the Canaanites’] daughters they took to themselves for wives, and their own daughters they gave to their sons, and they served their gods” (verse 6). Samson allows himself to be seduced by a Philistine girl. It is said of Solomon: “When [he] was old his wives turned away his heart after other gods, and his heart was not wholly true to the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father” (1 Kings 11:4).

And in “Clou,” the youth supplement of the Nederlands Dagblad of November 14, 1997, Sandra van Kleef, herself married to an unbelieving husband, says, “Once you are married you both notice: faith affects all of life. And then you hardly keep things together, as a Christian and a non-Christian.” That is clear, straightforward language.

For His Children←⤒🔗

Paul warns against marrying an unbeliever. He says that to believers: that is, to people who have consciously chosen to live as a Christian. God is no stranger in their lives. They got to know him through Jesus Christ as their heavenly Father. He has become their goal in life. His Spirit is guiding them.

In a conversation on the subject of “marrying an unbeliever,” the first thing that should be addressed is  who Godis  for you. I believe that is one of the strengths in Rev. Jan Mudde’s booklet, Valuable and Vulnerable: Dealing with Courtship, Sexuality and Living Together in Light of the Bible.” Before he writes in chapter 2 about the unequal yoke, he writes in chapter 1 about the basic question of whether you believe in the God of the Bible.

We can never separate God’s commands and prohibitions from himself. They are not available as separate or optional items. God shows Israel his way after he has redeemed his people from the slavery of Egypt. God’s teaching is instruction for his children, so the question is this: Who is God for you? Do you know him as your heavenly Father? How do you think he looks at you, at both of you together? On what do you base that?

For Our Well-Being←⤒🔗

God’s commandments are intended for our well-being. When he says that we should not form an unequal yoke, this is not about making things difficult for us, but about saving us from difficulties. He wants to keep us in liberty, in the realm of his love. He wants to prevent our young person from experiencing what Sandra van Kleef tells about herself in Clou: “I’ve always felt very guilty toward God. About having persisted in my choice to marry a non-Christian, while God condemns it everywhere in the Bible. I could hardly live with that!”

I also found the following to be instructive: “Being a Christian in a mixed marriage succeeds or fails with the attitude of the unbeliever. That things are going rather well in our situation is mainly thanks to my husband. In all those years he has given up most things. And that is also how it works with an ‘unequal yoke’: the non-Christian must take the Christian into account much more than the other way around. A Christian always makes choices with God, and an unbeliever can only acquiesce to this. If he does not do that, you end up with hopeless situations. Fortunately we didn’t experience this often, but that is an ideal picture. I know from others that it often breaks down at this point. Their marriage ends in a divorce, or the Christian goes to church less often, which in turn has consequences for the children. Consider well what the consequences may be when you are dating someone who doesn’t love God.”

As office-bearers and parents, let us not be satisfied merely with the remark that “it is not allowed,” but let us also have a clear understanding of why it is not allowed. Then you get a meaningful conversation.

Already Now←⤒🔗

But perhaps such warnings for later do not have an effect: we’ll worry about that later. In that regard, I would like to give advice from the same article in Clou. If as a young person you still want to persist, then “you confront yourself with all the situations that will be painful. Don’t push those feelings away, because the fact that you don’t feel comfortable at home or in the church next to him (or her), that feeling keeps coming back. Talk is OK, but it doesn’t always work. I also talked to a friend who said exactly what I wanted to hear. But when it came down to it, those words didn’t help me at all. You have to go through situations. That is the best test case.” Later on they will certainly realize that they are not agreed as one on an important point, but is that actually not the case right now? Let parents and office-bearers inquire about this with the intention that our young people, as well as ourselves, face things honestly!

There Is More←⤒🔗

For that reason I attach great importance to conversations. These need to take place much earlier than when the young people have already decided to get married. Conduct such conversations in a relaxed manner, for fear is a bad counsellor! Such talks also have to be about more than marrying or not… For what does it actually mean to be married?

Such conversations can arise, for example, by teaching in catechism classes what marriage is. It’s not what you see of it in Good Times, Bad Times on TV, but it is a covenant in which you promise each other to be faithful and, as stated in the marriage form, in which you joyfully help each other and assist each other in everything that belongs to our temporary and eternal life! See also Ezekiel 16:1-8; Jeremiah 2 and 3; Hosea 1-3.

Through marriage, God illustrates what it is like between him and his people. It is also very clearly stated in Ephesians 5:22-33.

Ask the young people: What do you think about this? Why would God be saying this? What do you get from it? And in the context of this article: Can you succeed in this with an unbelieving partner? Do you want that? And if you don’t want it, why not? Once again: who is God for you?

Show Them Also←⤒🔗

A conversation is not sufficient. Neither have we done everything possible when we talk about it during catechism classes or through preaching from the pulpit. After all, talking, preaching, and catechizing have little effect if our youth do not recognize our words in our own lives! Do we illustrate what we say? For example, do the young people discover in our marriages, as office-bearers, something of what it is like between Christ and his church? Do we as men love our wives just as Christ loves his church? Do we function as a head by really serving her? Do our wives respect and accept the husband in his position as the person with primary responsibility? We may warn against an unequal yoke, but do we make an effort to form an equal team ourselves?

And, do we as a church act as Christ’s bride? Do we allow ourselves to be fed and nurtured through him (Ephesians 5:29)? How seriously do we take God’s Word? It is good to ask the youth who God is to them. But beforehand we need to ask ourselves. Then we point out God’s way in a mild manner. We know how we can be hard learners, but also how faithful and loving God is.

Entertainment←⤒🔗

Many dates with unbelievers, non-Christians, arise from the nightlife. A lot of our youth meet in the disco, or at house parties. It seems good to me that as churches, as a congregation, we should offer alternatives for Saturday nights. There are good examples of this in various places. Nevertheless, I would also like to point to another way, because many young people don’t want to go to the Christian alternative. What then? Should the disco be forbidden? “Then you might as well stay at home”? But forbidding something makes it even more enticing…

I believe we can get a bit further by actually discussing the dangers of certain occasions. This should not be done in a reproachful way. Provide information. Don’t just say, “You don’t belong there, because it’s not a place for Christians.” Why does a Christian not belong there? Why does Paul warn against the works of the flesh (see Galatians 5:19-21)? What’s so bad about that? Also, do not frighten them with, “Suppose that Jesus will return and he would find you there.”

As a church, as a church council, in our families, let us not be primarily concerned to obey all sorts of rules and laws, but instead to choose for the “fruit of the Spirit” of Galatians 5:22-23. In the law it comes down to judgment, mercy, and faithfulness (see Matthew 23:23). Talk about it afterwards, or during the next day. Ask about it, showing genuine interest in how they experienced it. Allow them to express what they liked about it.

This does not imply that they will thank us for everything, but it is in line with Jeremiah 31, with the new covenant, in which they all, young and old, will know the Lord. We have to work towards having our young people say at a given moment, from the inside out: I don’t need that disco, that house party…

I consider that it is more important to talk about how they are somewhere than where they actually are. And take a look at Job: he would offer a burnt offering for each of his children after the feast, for he thought, “It may be that my children have sinned and renounced God in their hearts.” Job did this time and again (Job 1:5).

Marriage Confirmation in the Church?←⤒🔗

Finally: as a congregation you cannot organize an official wedding service for an “unequally yoked couple.” Through ecclesiastical solemnization of a marriage you express that you agree with this marriage, and that you support it. At some point you may have to accept the fact that someone chooses an unbelieving partner. That does not imply that you also need to approve it. Saying no has to do with your credibility as a church. Moreover, you cannot ask the unbelieving party to answer questions that he or she cannot honestly answer.

On the other hand, blessing does not mean “approval.” Through his blessing, God promises that he is present. And I can imagine that in some setting or ceremony you choose a format in which the Bible is opened, where you give a Bible to the couple, and you also bless them. After all, if we even have to bless those who persecute or curse us… (see Luke 6:28; Romans 12:14). God promises that he will be near us: not as the One who condones everything and who does not take it seriously, but as the One who will bring the husband and wife to the goal that he has in mind: that they will live according to his will in their marriage. God’s blessing means that he travels with them as God. Like a true Father, he will not leave the unequal yoke to its fate, but he will do everything to make them truly happy.