a. Orientation⤒🔗

When you read this proverb, you may wonder whether it is necessary to encourage husbands to have sex with their wives. Is that not a matter of course, and are breasts not naturally attractive to a man, so to speak as a natural stimulant?

Another question is why the book of Proverbs, both here and throughout, always addresses husbands, and not wives. In this text, the wife appears to be the passive party. Is marriage not a matter of husbands and wives together, and would wives have no use for incentives?

As an initial impression of this text, here is another point: Is there not an overemphasis on physical love? It speaks in a rather open and exposed manner about breasts, even though women normally cover them. In effect, the husband is told to quench his thirst (that is, male desire) at his wife’s breast. That is boldly stated. But then, was this text really meant to be interpreted literally? Should we rather think of the wife as an allegory for wisdom? Then the physicality would perhaps be less offensive.

Finally in this preliminary round, one more thing: It is about the wife of your youth? In the Middle East it was common to marry young. Does this mean, for us, that the bride should preferably still be a teenager on her wedding day? Could it be that this is less necessary today?

b. Text and translation←⤒🔗

The Hebrew text does not present real problems, but the Septuagint has a somewhat different reading for some lines. In such cases it is not always clear whether the Septuagint translates more freely, or whether those translators worked from a diverging text. Their reading of verse 18a has, “Let the water fountain be for yourself, or for you alone.” For verse 19a it has, “Let a beloved hind and a foal that you think is beautiful have intercourse with you.” There are similar slight differences in the Septuagint. I do not see reasons to adopt any of those variant texts and to replace the Hebrew original.

As far as the other translations are concerned, translators try hard to capture the man’s great marital happiness with words. The text is certainly all about enjoying the wife of your youth. The Hebrew uses rather bold expressions for that, especially in the second half of verse 19. The female breasts are presented as the greatest pleasure, and the husband is reminded to let himself get intoxicated by the love of his spouse, as one translation expresses it. The Statenvertaling/SV already mentioned that the love of his wife could make him drunk. The Dutch NV expresses the pleasure as “drunk with joy.” The Hebrew verb in 19b means “to drink oneself full.” That is why I put the word “intoxication” above this chapter. The man gets strongly encouraged to make his head spin with his wife’s breasts, as it is nicely rendered in the Dutch Book (1988) translation.

Some translators found this too much of a good thing, and perhaps too much honour for the wife. The Targum (an Aramaic translation) interpreted the woman to be a reference to the Torah, the law, and the Good News Bible represents 18b as, “Find your joy(with) the girl you married.” The latter is not really a translation, but a paraphrase in which translation and explanation have been combined. In the context of Proverbs 5, I see no reason here at all to see the woman as a metaphor for wisdom, or for the law. Proverbs 5 deals with real women: first about the danger of frivolous ladies, and then about happiness with the lovely former bride. Nothing here indicates that these women refer to something else. In Proverbs 8 and 9 wisdom is presented as a woman, but we cannot reverse that, in the sense that every time Proverbs refers to a woman, we should think of wisdom (or folly).Finally, in this section, I want to put a critical note with the New Dutch Bible translation (2004). In verse 18, both lines are presented as a wish (“May…”). However, for the second line that is not right. In Hebrew, this is not a wish but an imperative, as translated in the newer NV: “Rejoice…!” All other translations also render it that way. It is about an open call to that husband to experience joy with his wife.

c. The meaning in the situation of that time (with Biblical or extra-biblical parallels and examples.)←⤒🔗

There is no other place in the Bible that speaks as boldly about the pleasure of physicality within a marriage. There are more positive texts about the wife in the book of Proverbs. For instance, I mention 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the LORD.” In addition, there is, of course, the beautiful Proverbs 31 with the song of praise about the strong wife. But the sexual aspect does not come into view there.

That is different in the Song of Solomon. It is full of healthy erotica resulting from the mutual attraction between the boy and the girl. Both sing the praise of each other and each other’s beautiful bodies. It does not describe sexuality there. It is more about sexual allusions, but those allusions actually keep the secret of this loving couple a secret. At the same time, we could call the entire Song of Songs an idyllic or romantic commentary on the text in Proverbs 5. In the book of Ecclesiastes, we also find a recommendation of marriage and the pleasure of love. This is the case in Ecclesiastes 9:9, “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love.” In this text I hear not only the call (to the husband) to enjoy life with your wife, but also to enjoy your wife in life.

The Old Testament is sometimes very open about the woman and her physicality when it is an image in an otherwise rather negative story. I think especially of Ezechiel 16 and 23. Jerusalem’s unfaithfulness is pictured there by presenting the city as an unfaithful wife of Yahweh. In the description of Judah’s sinfulness, it does not mince any words. At first glance, the prophecy almost seems to turn into porn. But that was indeed how serious things were with Jerusalem, and with Samaria as well. It was spiritual adultery of the highest degree.

Fortunately, the historical books also have an example of the opposite. I think of the short story that is included like a little jewel between the events of the Isaac narratives. It is in Genesis 26:8 . One day, the Philistine king, Abimelech, was looking through the window of his palace, and saw “Isaac, showing endearment to (or: caressing, NKJV) Rebekah his wife.” [The ESV footnote only suggests that “the Hebrew may suggest an intimate relationship”.] Apparently, they had found a spot in nature, out of view of the local population, to practice the game of love. It is clear that they were making love, because Abimelech notices that Isaac is dealing more intimately with this beautiful woman than one would with his sister—as Isaac had fabricated her to be. This gives us a unique glimpse of the private life of this patriarch and his wife. It was spontaneous lovemaking where one would not expect it. It is a precious verse in the Bible in which the text from Proverbs becomes a visible reality.

Finally, in this section I want to ask when a married couple can really enjoy each other as husband and wife. In my opinion, the Old Testament is very clear that one needs to stay in the line of Genesis 1 and 2. There I see a monogamous, exclusive couple, as one man with one wife, like Adam and Eve were created in the beginning. From biblical examples of polygyny [one husband having more than one wife], it can well be deducted that such marriages are not ideal, as it easily generates rivalry between the wives of one man. Just look at Rachel and Leah, or Hannah and Peninnah. A good marriage is monogamous in principle. That is also why the text in Proverbs speaks about “the wife of your youth” (singular). And in verse 19 it speaks of “her breasts,” and not those of a second or next wife. You can only enjoy for one hundred percent if you know that the beloved is yours alone, and the other way around.

d. Message and application for today (also in the New Testament)←⤒🔗

The meaning of this proverb, also for today, should now be clear. It does not take much capacity for comprehension, either. The text is a tribute to the love between husband and wife, in which the man is seen as the active partner and is simultaneously stimulated to activity. He may indulge himself with his sweetheart, as suggested in verse 19. This is about kissing, French kissing, caressing, fondling, and everything else understood with “making love.” In marriage, these are not extras, but rather the cement in the house of marriage.

One may think that men do not need an encouragement or recommendation for this. Are not love making and sex a natural need? Yet, verse 18b is an imperative call: “Rejoice!” From the New Testament we know a text that is even more striking. I think of Colossians 3:19, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” Apparently, loving her and also having respectful intercourse with her was not always automatic. Do we not all have that experience? Love is also a mandate, for both parties. In this sinful world you must invest in it. And, of course, that is about love for your own wife and your own husband.

Sometimes it is tempting for a married person to look the other way. That was also very common in the culture of Paul’s days. Women were expected to be chaste and dedicated, but for men a lot more was allowed in the realm of sexuality. On this point, the apostle went head-on against the common opinion. Proverbs 5 also warns against this in the beginning (verses 1-14), when it speaks about the danger of the strange or immoral woman. Vice versa, modern men can also be a similar temptation for a married woman today. Immediately after the text, verse 20 already points to that danger, “Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?” So, if you are married, the author of Proverbs says flexibly and concretely; be content and happy, and do not look for the breasts of other women.

Jokingly, people sometimes suggest an eleventh commandment: Thou shalt enjoy. I do not think it is necessary to make a separate commandment for that. For this topic, we have enough in the seventh commandment: Do not commit adultery. We must consider that each commandment also has a positive side. You may not break your own marriage, nor that of another, but you should rather let it flourish. If you enjoy each other, the bond of marriage only becomes stronger.

I want to emphasize that sexuality is part of the whole marriage package. You are obliged to have sexual intercourse with each other. In the Old Testament that was even the case if the man had bought a slave girl and afterwards took an additional wife. In that case, he was not allowed to diminish the slave’s “food, clothing, or marital rights” (Exodus 21:10). So, even a slave girl who counted as his wife was entitled to regular sexual intercourse. That is why the spouse who was a free woman certainly had a right to these three things.

Also in 1 Corinthians 7, about marriage, we read of this obligation towards one another. A husband must give his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband (verse 3). You may not deprive each other of that sexual intercourse, Paul says in verse 5. As wife also, you must be fully open to that and give your husband “access,” unless there are weighty reasons to abstain. The apostle pleads for enthusiastic sexual intercourse, also to avoid sexual immorality (verse 2). A healthy sex life becomes a dam against divorce. That means that a couple should beware of boredom and predictability in bed, because, if sex becomes routine, there is temptation to find variation or adventure elsewhere. Therefore, keep sexual intercourse captivating, lively, and warm-blooded.

Finally, one more thing. A marriage is a matter of two people, but in the Old Testament (also in the text) the husband is addressed more directly than the wife. Why would that be? It will be connected to the difference in position and responsibility between husband and wife. Adam was created first, and then Eve. That is why the husband also has the first responsibility for the success of his marriage. As partners, they are of equal worth, but if things go wrong, just like in Paradise, God comes to the husband first: what did you do?

e. Discussion questions.

1. In Col 3:15, the wife is asked to acknowledge the authority of her husband. Why would Paul not have asked her to love her husband, just like he asked that of the husband concerning his wife?
2. Imagine that you are unmarried, or homosexual, or in another manner, without marriage. What do you do with this proverb?
3. For a variety of reasons, some people argue nowadays that one should be married early. Is that indeed something that should be recommended, and would the expression “wife of your youth” refer to that as well?
4. Is it positive to compare your wife with an animal, in this case with a deer or doe (verse 19), or does that tend to discrimination and humiliation?
5. Why would the wife be called “fountain” in verse 18 (see also verses 15-17)? When that fountain is called “blessed,” does that refer to the blessing of receiving children and fertility? Should all intercourse then be aimed at conceiving children?