The relationship between parents and children in the time of the Bible differs greatly from their relationship towards each other in our time. Polygamy occurred in the Old Testament, not that the Lord wanted it this way, but it happened. A separation between public and private life, characteristic of our culture, was unknown in Israel. Neither father nor mother of the family went outside of their own “home” in order to earn a living. Moreover, the concept of household in Old Israel was much broader than our modern Western nucleus family. Jacob departed with 66 people for Egypt (Gen. 46:26). What we call a family was included in a house which can be compared to a small village. At the head of the house was the patriarch. Each son lived with his wife (wives), children and slaves in his own tent. That household belonged, in turn, to a clan. Several clans formed a tribe. Not only the families in the Old Israel, but also those of the (first) Christians, differed greatly from the modern Western family.

Much can be said about the lifestyle of a household in Biblical times. The inquiry about the position of parents and children according to the Bible is a matter of norm. This is about the rules and norms of God’s revelation concerning the relationship between parents and children. What is of concern to us, is God’s original intent for this relationship. In history, one can see more or less broken human illustrations of God’s intent. There are also commands from God which applied specifically to designated times and situations. What is a norm for all times and all places and what is not? What this is about is the discovery of the lasting standard in the historical shape of these commands.

The relationship between parents and children goes back to the work of God. At creation, God united them with each other. This work of creation gains a concrete form in history. When a man and woman receive a child from the Lord through God’s grace, God binds this child to these parents. Receiving children is therefore not a process of human selection, but a godly election (choosing). In this connection, e gives to each one his or her own place.

Through the fall into sin, this connection was spoiled. Although not destroyed, it has been radically touched. Parents and children desire to occupy positions that are not in accord with God’s original intent. They walk in a willful and arbitrary way. Children rebel against parents and against the God of their parents. Both do not live according to God’s original design. Happily, through the goodness of God, fragments remain of God’s intent. However, these fragments are no reason for us to boast in our so-called natural possibilities and abilities. They are a reason to praise the goodness of God. The Lord showed his goodness to us, immediately after the fall into sin, when he said to Eve that she would still be allowed to become a mother. Since that promise, parenthood is, for us, a sign of God’s grace.

The restoration of the broken relationship between parents and children is given by the Lord in the way of the covenant, which he, after the fall into sin, established with Abraham and his descendants out of grace. Central to the covenant of grace is the revelation of God in Christ. Restoration of the relationship between parents and children can consequently only be received in Christ. That restoration is applied by his Holy Spirit in the lives of those who are his. The relationship between parents and children is, in Christ, a representation of the kingdom of God.

The work of recreation brings God’s original intent to light. The father is called to be a father according to God’s design. The mother is called to be mother according to God’s design. The child is called to be a child according to God’s design.

Parenthood⤒🔗

The position of parents in relationship to their children is determined, according to Scripture, by their position with respect to God. Parenthood is, as a calling from God, a concrete imaging of the meaning of being an image bearer of God. That means: the Lord created us in his image. Being made in God’s image implies that we reflect God. Man is God’s representative and agent on earth. Calvin says that we were created as a mirror of the glory of God. In this way parents may reflect the glory of God and may represent him. As his official representatives, the Lord has clothed them with authority over his children, who, at the same time, are their children. The fifth commandment proclaims: Honour your father and your mother (Ex. 20:12; Eph. 6:2). Parental authority is therefore a gift of God given to the person as a parent. At the same time, that authority leant to them by God, is a call to be useful for the goal for which God gave that authority. The fifth commandment is therefore not only of interest to children, but also to parents. The Lord demands from them that they be worthy of honour. Person and office are, according to his original design, linked to each other.

On account of this position in relationship to the Lord, parents may never use their position in relationship to their children to realize selfish and high-handed goals of their own. They are always responsible to their Sender to whom they are indebted. Above all, they ought to be thankful to him that he regarded them as worthy to fill that high calling.

Not only the father, but also the mother may, on the basis of God’s work of creation, show the glory of God with respect to the children. Scripture gives the mother an honourable place. She is absolutely not placed on the same level with the ox and the donkey, as some are pleased to interpret in connection with the tenth commandment. In a number of places in Scripture, the mother is even mentioned before the father, for example in Leviticus 19:3: “Every one of you shall revere his mother and his father”. In our time, mothers often have the most important role in the raising of children. The father is often absent, physically and/or spiritually. For that reason, in our time, emphasis must be placed on the responsibility that the father has in the raising of his children. We do not derive this from all kinds of psychological motives. Psychologists do point out that a child must be able to identify with a father as well as a mother. We say this on the basis of God’s revelation. Precisely the one who is honoured with the name which reminds us of the Father name of our God, has an extra responsibility. Scripture underlines the position of the father as prophet, priest and king.

The image bearing function of parenthood has been fundamentally damaged in the fall into sin. The unity of person and office has been broken. The person in office became a rebel. However, the gospel says that Christ restored those who are his as image bearers of God. He applies this restoration through his Holy Spirit. For parents, this may be the comfort of the gospel. They are yet allowed to be God’s hands, to reflect his glory and to represent him.

So in Christ, parenthood is a reflection of the Fatherhood of God. Parents are the hands of the heavenly Father. He leads his little children by means of a father and a mother hand. Or, to put it differently: Believing parents are the visual means by which God shows himself to the little children of his covenant.

At the same time, through the Holy Spirit, believing parents show something of Christ who is the perfect image of his Father. He is our highest Prophet, Priest and King. Parents are, in him, prophets, priests, and kings. Their prophetic task is to pass on the Word of God to their children; their priestly task is also that. Besides, this priestly task reminds us of intercession. Think about Job. Priests are called to speak good words. Scripture calls that “‘blessing”. Finally, the priestly office points to the dedication to God and the neighbour. For parents, their children are their first and closest neighbours. The kingly task of parents points to the authority with which God has clothed parents. Because we know our disbelief and disobedience, we pray that we may become more and more conformed to the image of Christ.

Parents may not only show something of the work of the Father and the Son, but may at the same time be an instrument in the hands of the Holy Spirit, who wants to bring salvation to the young children of the covenant.

That is the position of believing parents with regard to their children. They are covenant parents of covenant children. Or in other words: their parenthood may function within the kingdom of God. Obedience to the command of this kingdom has a blessed salutary effect on life within the family. The ark of faith which Noah obediently and respectfully prepared was a great blessing for his house (Heb. 11:7).

Although parents have an important position, their parenthood is not the final thing. That is their service in the Kingdom. Abraham was commanded to give his son Isaac to the Lord. Obedience to the God of the covenant demands, also in relationships within the family, a radical sacrifice of self (see Matt. 10:35, 36ff). Parents ought always to be seen and be treated by their children as important people worthy of respect. Nowhere do we read in Scripture that at a given moment this respect of the children for their parents may stop. It remains, as long as they are both alive on this earth. What this respect for the person of the parent looks like does depend on differing factors, for example the cultural situation in which they live, the age of the children, their psychological and physical state, the measure to which the parents are, in reality, able to carry out their task as parents, and the measure in which they themselves need the support of their children. Although the way in which the respect presents itself may change, the command to respect stays the same. It is a respect for the personhood of these, by God given, parents. They must be received and accepted as your own from God’s hand.

Should parents conduct themselves in a manner unworthy of their office, then the children are caught in the tension of conflict between respecting and despising them. Also then, the Lord calls them to love and respect. In any case, children must be more obedient to God than to their parents (Acts 5:29). At the same time, they must keep in mind the calling of the parents. In this broken situation, their respect will be focussed more on the office than on the persons of the parents.

Being a Child←⤒🔗

What is the position of the child in relation to the parents? This position is also regulated by his position in relationship to God. Each child belongs to God and carries his image. Children share completely in being human. This truth is not dependent on the physical or psychological situation of the child. In every child the reflection of God’s glory (Ps. 8:3), and the child’s representation of God, given the bearing of God’s image, takes shape in its own manner. A given for the child born within the covenant bond, is that the child is a particular recipient of God’s love and faithfulness. He is included in the covenant of grace. It is a sign of God’s love that he comes to this child with his demand of faith and repentance.

The Lord has placed children under parents. He demands of them that they respect their parents. He dedicated a separate command to this. An important form of this respect is obedience (Eph. 6:1; Col. 3:20).

Characteristic of the child, according to Scripture, is his dependence, his inability to speak for himself and his small stature. As such, he has a special right to protection. Jesus gave us an example of this in his attention to children. We also must give special attention to the child because he is little. He or she has a right to our protection. But there is more. The child is in the process of development. The shape of his sense of duty also depends on this. The sense of duty is present, through God’s appointment in the unborn child, and must be developed as the child grows, until he reaches full maturity. In the same manner, attention must be paid to the uniqueness of the child and to his total personality. The child does not only have value because later he will become “valuable” as an adult. He also has a personal intrinsic value as the person that he already is.

The position of the child in relationship to his parents has been seriously affected by sin. A child is conceived and born in sin. He is inclined to put God in second place. He rebels against the authority of his parents. However, for the little children of the covenant, there is the promise that they have been sanctified in Christ. God calls them in particular to repentance and rebirth. Christ brings renewal of their childhood. He fulfilled the fifth commandment perfectly and has carried the punishment for our transgression against this commandment. He makes us holy, also in our childhood. Children who live on the premises of the covenant are addressed by God with the promise and the demand of his Word.

Parents are called to love their child or children according to the demand of God’s Word. This parental love is a giving love. Parents are often prepared to generously give material goods to their children. The primary focus of giving love, however, is non-material, such as in leadership, time, attention, help, space, patience, joy and hope.

One aspect of this love is respect. Parents have the task to respect their children, that is to say, to respect the person of the child. They will then use their authority in service of the building up of the person of their child. In this relationship to their children, they are allowed to show something of the covenant relationship of God with his people and of Christ with the congregation. Then this relationship can be typified as a covenant relationship. As such, it has its own intrinsic value. Moreover, this relationship has, for parents, the specific goal of leading their children, with authority and love, on the way of the realization of their destination as image bearers of God. This may happen under the leadership of the love which, through the Spirit, is a reflection of the love of the Father for the Son and of the Son for the children who have been given to him (Heb. 2:13).

The Kingdom of God←⤒🔗

The position of parents and children, in the light of the Kingdom of God, is a position without absolute value. It may not be seen apart from the relationship with God. One must bear in mind that Christ binds those who are his with the bonds of the Spirit within the family of God, the familia Dei. Although one may not despise the bond of blood, this bond must function within the framework of the kingdom of God. The so called natural love is, in Christ, imbued with the love of God.

Moreover, the position of parents and children in their individual relationships remains relative because it is a position that belongs to life on this earth. This relationship will function differently in the coming kingdom than it does on this earth. God will then be all in all. The hearts of fathers and sons, mothers and daughters will then be faultlessly focussed on the Father of lights.