To My Friends and Family:

It can be tough in this world, being single, assailed on all sides by media portrayals of what constitutes happiness, "marital-type" relationships, and safe sex — the preoccupation with which sells magazines, videos and movies, and dating games and services, along with fast cars and high living.

Being single can seem doubly bad when, in church circles, there is an undercurrent, occasionally an overt pressure, on single persons to conform and get married, based on an assumption that single people are desperately trying to get married.

How much of this is an echo of the world around us, and how much is biblical? Is being single to be not quite fulfilled or "mature"? Do we bring this discontentment on ourselves, or is it a combination of prevailing attitudes?

There is a large and increasing number of single persons within our churches for a variety of reasons. Are their needs met in sermons and the like, or are they tacked on as an afterthought at the end of marital discussion by a prayer for them to find partners and join the club?

Way back in time, in the Middle Ages, single persons were encouraged to go into convents and monasteries. While, as Reformed people, we feel this to be an incorrect interpretation of Scripture, do we perhaps hold to a form of "separatism" within the church — an idea that if one can't get married, one should take oneself off to a mission field?

Are we not one body, one church, composed of many parts — no one more or less important than the other? This is as true of one's marital status as it is of our gifts and talents. We are fellow heirs with Christ, the Head of the church. Our fulfillment comes in God, not our marital state, and in Jesus Christ our Savior. Jesus is the Head of the church, his body, and he includes all of us, married and single, as full members of that body.

So, as singles, we must remember that we are not "associate members" awaiting full membership on application for a marriage license. We are as important and as needed as anyone else — that means involvement, too, in all aspects of church life.

I cannot say either, then: Well, us eyes and belly buttons are heading off to do our own things because you guys (arms and legs) don't understand us, and only we understand each other, and we don't want to hear about dirty diapers, crying babies, and so on. No, we must build on the unity of the church. To become strong, we need each other; we are coheirs, equals.

Friendship⤒🔗

Can true friendship not exist between single and married people? On the face of it, of course we say, how stupid a comment — but wait, all relationships require effort, some give-and-take, listening, and communicating, so how much do we practice what we preach? In as much as a relationship between a husband and a wife requires effort, so too between friends, married or single. Being married does not exclude you from having single friends, but it requires effort on both sides to maintain it.

A little understanding, a sympathetic, listening ear, goes a long way to maintaining friendship. I want to enjoy the richness of friendship with all my married and single friends. Each friendship is different, yet they enrich me in their diversity. Sometimes I need a kindly ear after a grueling day, particularly when I am emotionally and mentally drained after, say, dealing with maimed or dying patients. I don't need answers, just cool shade from the heat of the sun, to refresh myself. In the same way, I must be a sympathetic ear to those of my friends who have had a trying day with an irritable child or crying baby, as, no doubt, that can be equally as draining. Let's not make our differences stumbling blocks to communication. We must, instead, build each other up.

Contentment←⤒🔗

So what does it mean to be single in the world today from a biblical standpoint? It means that we are to be content and satisfied, not envious of others' marital status, not chasing after rainbows.

We all want to know and do God's will in our lives. Why, then, do we fall into the trap of setting prerequisites for our happiness before God — assuming first that God's will is for us to be happy. (Is it? Happy by whose definition — God's or ours?). In our requests before God, do we muddle up our wants with our needs, our earthly gain with our spiritual needs, when we are told not to concern ourselves with our physical needs such as food, clothing, and marital state, but first to seek his kingdom? Does not preoccupation with what we don't have on earth lead to discontentment with what God has given us? Does this not include our marital state? Can the clay tell the potter what to make? Can I say to God, "I don't want to be a teapot; I want to be a cup and saucer"? Doesn't God know me, my innermost being, better than I know myself?

To Glorify God←⤒🔗

We must therefore go back to the beginning — why was I created in the first place? This calls to mind the very first question I ever learned in catechism, at the end of a long stick wielded by Rev. G. I. Williamson: What is man's chief end? "Man's chief end is to glorify God." We say it so glibly, but do we truly believe it, that all else is secondary? This is our first priority and our yardstick by which we measure any achievement we have attained.

Perhaps you find being single is a trial and tribulation and think that being married will fix it. My friend, you need to sort out your relationship with God first; marriage is no cure for problems — you'll just bring them right with you. Marriage is not God's only blessing. He has many more. Sometimes, in tough times, being single is twice as hard as being married.

God doesn't give us any more than we can handle, and sometimes these troubles come to remind us to walk a little closer to him, and rely on him, not earthly things.

Whenever I find myself struggling, I am reminded of the time I worked at various gold mines in South Africa, and I recall vividly the process whereby tons of rock were crushed and subjected to all sorts of pressures and chemicals in order to refine it. I have a clear memory of a large vat, the size of a swimming pool, full of what appeared to be clear water, but it was gold dissolved in cyanide (imagine a compound, a few drops of which would kill you in seconds, being used to purify gold), and lastly the fiery hot furnace full of molten gold — 99.98% pure. Our life can be a bit like that — some crushing, some heat, a little cyanide, each step refining us a little more.

So where does all this lead? I must be content and satisfied with my lot in life and value my relationship to God above all else. I cannot know what the future holds for me, but I must learn to accept all things from God, not with a resigned air, nor with despair or grumbling, but with a cheerful spirit. I must learn to glorify God first and foremost and, being the sinner I am, it's no easy road. Occasionally, sometimes more frequently, God reminds me of this when I wander off—sometimes gently, but at other times he uses the spiritual equivalent of a sledgehammer.

I Need You!←⤒🔗

So I need you, my friends and family, to uphold me and help me. Don't place more burdens on me by way of expectation, etc. (I make enough trouble for myself without any help.) Don't offer me false hope and promises. (They are not yours to make — can you know God's will for my life?) Don't accuse me of being too choosy. (After all, it is I who has to live with that person, not you — would you settle for second best just to be married?) Don't analyze my character (I'm better at it than you!), finding faults as an excuse, offering hints and advice. (I am not a racehorse being decked up ready for sale! Neither is this a meat market, where my wares are paraded to all and sundry.)

Let me be content with who and what I am, save only to encourage me in my spiritual walk. Let my single status not stand between us or attain too prominent a significance. Let it be consigned to the level on which I put my house, my job, the make and model of my car, and my cats.

I need you to love me as a friend and sister; listen to my gripes and successes; with gentleness and understanding remind me you care for me and are concerned for me; share with me my dreams and aspirations; bring me into your home, not just your house.

I know life can be hectic in a home: husband and kids are time consuming — but take a little time, once in a while, to remember that I too exist and am valued. A little can mean so much, even if it is an odd number at a dinner party. In return, you have my friendship, my loyalty, a listening, sympathetic ear, and my support.

I may never have been up all night with an aching child — well, not at home anyway — but I can empathize with you. I may not have the same job as you, my brother, but I can feel the pain of job insecurity and financial restraints, and I can listen.

My Single Friends←⤒🔗

And you, my single friends, count it a blessing! A loving family, good friends, your own abilities. Use your talents wisely and to the best of your abilities. Being single has many advantages, including a wider range of options. I doubt I would have volunteered so freely of my services to my medical unit in the New Zealand Army during the Gulf War, should more doctors be urgently required at the front, if I had been married with children.

So seize the opportunities God provides and be satisfied with whatever he gives.

As I write all this, I am painfully aware of how pitifully short I fall from reaching any of this, but this is my goal, that I can learn to say with all sincerity of heart with the psalmist:

As for me, I shall behold Thy face in righteousness; I will be satisfied with Thy likeness when I awakePs. 17:15 NASB.