We all expect to be able to enjoy a good physical relationship in marriage most of the time. Continuing difficulties with sex are frustrating and upsetting. However, many couples think they have a sexual prob­lem when the real issue is something else. It’s easy to assume there’s a biological or tech­nique problem, particularly when magazines such as Cleo and Cosmopolitan regularly tell us that technique fixes everything, and ignore psychological and relationship issues that are the real problem.

Some medical conditions can result in dif­ficulties with intercourse. A few examples are: infections of the vagina or urethra, dia­betes, thyroid or pituitary dysfunctions, mul­tiple sclerosis and vascular disease. Technique issues can include inadequate time and prepa­ration for arousal, inadequate stimulation, and situational factors such as lack of privacy.

We want the “quick fix” and so are sus­ceptible to the lure of the latest sex drug. Hence the popularity of such drugs as Viagra that can be disappointing and even dangerous in their effects. Of course, medical screening is important to rule out medical conditions and it’s good to refer to books or experts to help with sexual techniques, but when these don’t work it’s time to ask why.

Why are sexual problems more than just physical or technical issues? It’s because peo­ple are more than physical systems. Psychological, social and spiritual systems interrelate with the physical. Thus psycho­logical, spiritual and relational problems can cause sexual difficulties.

Psychological problems causing sexual difficulties: Sometimes one partner in the marriage becomes frustrated when the other is consistently reluctant to have sex. Perhaps both are distressed by the lack of sex. Lack of desire is one of the most common com­plaints of married couples, according to Masters and Johnson, well-known sex thera­pists.

Stress at work or in our busy lifestyle is a major cause. Working hard to keep our jobs, too little sleep, pressures to do more and more for our children, voluntary work and church meetings all add to the stress load. But do we really need to work so hard or keep up with everybody’s expectations? To deal with stress-induced low desire we must carefully prioritise and make time to nurture the marriage so frequency of sex is acceptable to both partners.

Depression is a major psychological prob­lem for Australian adults, affecting about 20 per cent of women and 10 per cent of men at some point in their lives. It frequently results in loss of interest in sex. As depression lifts with good treatment, so interest and pleasure in sex increases.

Past sexual abuse can cause intense fear of sex. This can result in lowered desire, diffi­culties completing intercourse and loss of pleasure. People with sexual fears can be helped by counselling for the past abuse and their current sexual problems.

Spiritual problems causing sexual difficulties:

A big trap for marriages is when we expect our partner to fulfil needs that only God can fulfil. Yet our partner cannot always be lov­ing, accepting and the meaning-centre for our lives. Dissatisfaction with our partner feeds into dissatisfaction with the sexual rela­tionship when the real cause is spiritual — our relationship with God.

Lack of forgiveness for major and minor issues is another spiritual problem for mar­riages. We hang on to grievances rather than giving up on revenge. Meanwhile, we are holding aloof from our partner, so how can we fully enjoy sexual intimacy?

Anger is another spiritual issue that can destroy intimacy. Disagreements will occur between any couple but these must be dealt with immediately so they don’t escalate into violent words or deeds. Ephesians 4:26 urges, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger” for delaying reconciliation gives an opening for sin. Prolonged hostility or violence shat­ters trust that is the basis for real sexual expression in the marriage.

It’s important to diagnose spiritual prob­lems so that spiritual remedies such as con­fession and prayer can be used. Relationship problems cause sexual difficulties: if marriage partners are free of major psychological and spiritual problems, they can still have sexual problems because of poor communication. It’s often the small things we say or don’t say in our relationships that make all the differ­ence to sexual intimacy.

Marriage manuals give many different types of communication problems: I’ll focus on four that I think are most relevant to sex­ual problems.

First, avoiding the issue. We bring expec­tations about our relationship, including our sexual relationship, into the marriage from our homes, churches, friends and the media. Generally, men prefer physical release where­as women have a stronger longing for affec­tion. When we don’t clarify our expectations and desires we set the scene for disappointed and disappointing lovers. Throughout the changing stages of our marriage we should be considering what we would like to give and receive sexually and make opportunities to talk through the “when, what and how” issues.

Second, dishonesty. This can be dishon­esty about our desires and needs, or dishon­esty about an attraction for another. Dishonesty breaks trust that is needed for a healthy sex life. Prevention is the best reme­dy here: being open about desires and previ­ous attractions before the marriage and deal­ing with attractions to others before they threaten the marriage. Then we must make the effort to maintain honest communica­tion.

Third, disrespect. We are disrespectful when we say and do things that treat the other person as an object for our own selfish desires. For example, referring to our partner as “the husband” or “the wife”, failing to say thank you, or even demanding services. These may be unthinking bad habits but some people with low self-esteem believe they don’t deserve good things and have to demand them. Of course, the reality is we are all valuable to God. Our partners are worthy of consideration and, in God’s plan for mar­riage, their delight in sex will increase ours.

If disrespect spoils our sex life we need to let God show us how valuable we are to Him. We must see our partners as people God is blessing directly and through us. Finally, we must act on God’s principle of sacrificial love, not selfish taking.

Fourth, negativity. This includes annoying actions and criticisms that can smother love or make it harder to enjoy sex. For example, once the romance diminishes from the hon­eymoon we become aware of all the little things that can be a turn-off, such as smelly feet. We are being negative when we refuse to make the effort to change the serious turn­offs.

As well, rudeness and criticisms make it hard for us to feel safe when we are express­ing ourselves sexually or want to talk about our sexual needs. Dealing with negativity involves telling our partner when their com­ments hurt and perhaps developing gentle signals as a reminder to them to desist. We can take time out in heated exchanges to lower the heat. Finally, we must build positive comments into the relationship: express lov­ing thoughts and plan compliments or encouragers daily.

Although some sexual problems have a biological cause, most result from psycholog­ical or spiritual problems in one of the mar­riage partners or, most commonly, a relation­ship issue. The cure is not a “quick fix” drug or studying sex manuals to revitalise our sex life but dealing with the underlying issue. This takes time and commitment but is well worthwhile for a good sex life and a satisfying relationship.