Having children can draw a husband and wife closer together. They share the joys of parenthood and the comic relief that only children can provide. But children can also drive a wedge between parents that pulls them further apart until parents become little more than professional baby sitters. Once the kids are all out of the house, there is hardly anything left between the man and wife. How do we preserve the marriage, and at the same time preserve the children and raise them properly? A father and mother need to have the same perspective on raising children. How do you get such a perspective? Not by running to the self-help section or parenting section of the local bookstore. We go to the One Who gave us these kids. He has shown us why they are here, and what to do with them now. In Ephesians 6:4, Paul reveals God’s plan for raising children.

And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

Who is Responsible for Raising Children?⤒🔗

The command in Ephesians 6:4 is given to “fathers.” Why are only fathers given this command? Doesn’t our experience demonstrate that the mother does most of the child-rearing?

The answer isn’t that difficult when we remember the context. Only a few verses earlier, Ephesians 5 declares that God has made the husband the head of the household. Just as God rules the universe, so the husband rules his family for the benefit of every family member, and for the glory of God and His Kingdom. So, as the family’s head, the father receives the command to obey God’s plan for raising children.

Perhaps another reason the Lord gives this command to fathers is because of what the command says. Fathers are the most prone to provoke their children to wrath. Mothers are usually the more gentle and loving parent. Fathers also are more prone to neglect the responsibilities to train their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Sadly, mothers are sometimes the only source of any Christian upbringing in a child’s life.

We should understand that mothers do have a role as well. The 5th Commandment requires us to honour father and mother. Proverbs 1:8 speaks of hearing the instruction of the father and the law of the mother. When fathers are good heads of households, they delegate responsibilities. They delegate, but do not give up.

God says raising children isn’t just “women’s work.” The father is given the command. He is the team leader, and she is his trusty sidekick. The fathers also must be involved in spending time with their children, especially instructing them in godly ways of life. Fathers must be the ones to lead their children in learning from the Scripture, in learning how to pray. And a wise father uses the help-meet God has blessed him with to do this. She can assist him tremendously.

One of the blessings of our new RCUS Sunday School curriculum is that there are helps provided to fathers for each week’s lesson. The opening lesson applies Ephesians 6:4.

Please take note of the fact that the father of a household is its covenant head. He is the king of his family. He is also the prophet and priest of His household. He is the main teacher and the one who makes sure that the family worships the Lord according to the regulatory principle of worship (how the Lord commands us to worship Him).

Do we take that doctrine seriously? Do we see to it that members of our family are reading the Scriptures? Do we see to it that the family is praying together and also that each family member is learning to pray in private? (We are not speaking of a memorized form prayer, which has its place for a short time for beginners. Are we training our family and ourselves how to pray from the heart?) Do we encourage and instruct family members on how to improve their relationship with the Lord? With each other? With friends and co-workers? The task of being a father is so much larger and has much more lasting importance than the mere act of fathering a child in the first place.

What are the principles the father must follow, and the how-to’s of applying those principles? We will first look at what God tells us not to do, and then what to do.

How Children Must Not Be Raised←⤒🔗

“Do not provoke your children to wrath.” Provoking is when you try to get someone angry. To provoke someone to wrath means to treat them in such a way that not only will they normally respond in anger, you probably even hope and expect that they will get mad. Why would a father (or mother) treat their child this way? The result of this method of raising children is a deep resentment in your child’s heart. Even more, Colossians 3:21 tells us that the children will “become discouraged.”

What are some ways that parents might be guilty of raising their children like this? Once we can identify some of these ways, we can repent wherever we are guilty, and know how to avoid sin and rather raise our children to bring honour to God and blessing and happiness to our children.

One way is by “over-protection.” We must protect children from the physical and spiritual dangers that surround them. But we should not isolate them from the world. Children need to know that evil exists in the world, and they will have to confront and oppose those who practice evil. They don’t need to do evil or experiment with evil, but they do need to know how to interact with ungodly movies, friends, conversations, etc.

We provoke our children to wrath when we discourage them. With children who have a hard time in school academically, or in making friends, we must be tender with them. They need our encouragement, rather than some comment about how they’ll never make any friends or have fun, or how they’ll probably never do very well in school and shouldn’t bother trying.

We provoke our children to wrath by failing to treat them appropriate to their age. We shouldn’t expect things of a 4 year old that we would from an 8 year old, and we shouldn’t treat a 20 year old like they are 14. And of course, there is more to a child than a mere number of years or grade level. We need to treat them appropriate to their actual maturity level. We should also note that once a child has professed his or her faith at Confirmation, we ought to treat them in a way that respects their maturity and expects their maturity, for they are spiritually partaking of Christ along with the rest of the congregation now in the Lord’s Supper.

We also provoke our children to wrath by bitter words and outright physical cruelty. Some fathers love to throw their authority around and show how strong they are. Scolding their children severely or even inflicting inappropriate physical punishment becomes a habit for him.

Basically, it all boils down to the fact that children can become hardened against their parents because of the sins their parents commit against them. It might be sins of neglect, inappropriate discipline, selfishness, ridicule, or criticism. Or even more simply, children are provoked to wrath when all they hear from their parents are unkind words and attitudes. Parents must not irritate their children to the point of creating bitterness in the child’s heart. The child will only rebel all the more.

But children, like adults, get angry so easily. The slightest thing can set someone off into throwing a tantrum, a pity party, or storming out the door and speeding off in the car. Are parents at the mercy of the emotional state of their children? Or even more important, are parents at the mercy of the sinful choices and attitudes of their children, so that parents are not allowed to confront their children when they are sinning? After all, you wouldn’t want to lose them. We’ll see a fuller answer to this later when we look at how parents must raise children with admonitions. Children do NOT run the household. God does not allow children to “divorce” their parents, or get rid of them and choose new ones.

We need to notice one final thing about how not to raise children. All these methods come from a principle that fathers must learn and remember. This verb “do not provoke” is in the active tense. Don’t provoke them today. Don’t do it tomorrow. Don’t ever do it. Constantly, your perspective as godly parents should be that you will not provoke your children to wrath. Why does God care so much? Why should you and I care so much about provoking our children? Because we are called to lead our little ones to Christ, not away from Him. Paul has already taught us in the letter to the Ephesians that anger is part of that old man, the sinful life and reality that is put to death on the cross of Christ. We are to put on the new man of Christ’s righteousness. That is a life which is not full of “bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, and evil speaking.” Rather, “be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31) Lead your children to the Christ who forgives sins, not to a life of sins which require Christ’s forgiving.

How Children Must Be Raised←⤒🔗

We read that fathers are to “bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” “Bring them up.” John Calvin translated this word, “let them be fondly cherished.” Rather than the harsh treatment that brings a child to wrath, fathers (and mothers) are to nourish and tenderly raise their children. Now, unfortunately, we need to be reminded today that this instruction of God is a command. This is not just God’s good idea, or one pastor’s sure-fire way to raise kids. This is the Almighty God’s will for our lives. If we disobey, then we have to answer to Him. His method and plan is not a good idea, it is THE idea.

Not only is “bring them up” a command, it is in the present tense. It is something that fathers must constantly do. Deuteronomy 6:7, “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” For example, at all times we must be prepared to teach our children about the beauty of a rainbow, or the reason we are honest and return the extra change that the person at the store accidentally gave us.

The command to “bring them up” is also in the active voice of the Greek language. The necessity for us to actively teach our children is seen throughout Scripture. A very important place is Psalm 78:4-7. I encourage readers to read it carefully with their families. You might also sing it through the hymn “My people, Give Ear.” The point we want to make is that Children don’t just grow up automatically. Oh, their bodies grow and develop, but even that is not automatic. We have to feed them and take them to the doctor, etc. Remember, this world is under the curse of sin. Just as the field brings forth weeds naturally, so do our kids naturally grow corrupted and would wither and die if we did not give them proper attention and care. We must bring them up.

The way we bring them up is described as “in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (NKJV) Bible versions translate these words slightly differently. The main definition of the word translated “training” or “nurture” is the whole system of instruction and teaching. It is those things which are written down. The rules and regulations of the house, the rewards, and the punishments, when necessary. The whole package is called the way of “nurturing.”

One specific part of the nurture the fathers provide is singled out for emphasis by the Apostle with the word, “admonition.” An admonition refers to what is said. It is no good just to say, “No.” (even when ‘no’ is accompanied by privileges lost or a sound Biblically-sanctioned spanking) We must follow that word up with further teaching as to why some thought or action is wrong, and why they should obey for God’s glory. We do this in a way appropriate for the child’s age. But we cannot assume that the kids will just figure it out because someone else said it or they see the way we are living life. We must speak with them directly, exposing the evil and showing the light of God’s goodness.

Admonitions are often words that warn. This is what shows us the real love behind God’s plan for raising children. We love our children enough not to leave them in a life of unrepentance which would lead to them trampling underfoot the promises of God. That is no good for the church’s witness, no good for the glory of Christ, and certainly no good for the child’s soul! Discipline is not the opposite of love, but its perfect partner. And words of warning will rescue our children just like we would warn them if they were getting to close to the edge of a cliff.

Now our training and admonition is always to be “of the Lord.” The education program that you use for your child at home, at church, in elementary and high school and college, must be of the Lord. What does this mean? How do you do this? These are important questions to ask and explore from the Scriptures. A good summary of this issue is found in our Synod’s Abstract 2003, p. 60, or see your pastor.

But it all comes back to the focus of Ephesians 6:4. God’s plan for raising children is that they be drawn closer to Christ. We are to bring them up... in the Lord! Education is so important. It is the battlefield for the future. And the front line is not the school. The front line is not the church. The front line is the father, along with his supportive wife who assists him, submits to him, and respects him.

Remember the testimony of an Old Testament father named Joshua.

Joshua 24:15, ...choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve ... as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

Fathers, let us take up our responsibilities, and not raise our children sinfully, provoking them to wrath. Instead, let us bring the heart of our little lambs to the heart of the Lamb of God. After all, He died for the sins of His covenant family.