The Scriptures⤒🔗

It is the custom in the Reformed churches that elders make family visits. Does this custom, one may ask, go back to the Scriptures? Are the elders by virtue of the New Testament witness called upon to visit the members of the congregation at home? We can read in Acts 20:28 and 1 Pet. 5:2 that the elders have been charged with the pastoral care of the congrega­tion. As overseers they have to exercise "over­sight". This New Testament activity is typi­cally pastoral in nature. The overseer is the shepherd who "looks after" his sheep, person­ally involves himself with them and cares for them. Instead of overseers the elders could be called caretakers. They are the office bearers through whom the great Shepherd looks after his flock (Ezek. 34:11, 12; John 10:14, 15).

This pastoral care implies the attention for the individual members. In the Gospels we see again and again that Christ's care is always personally directed. He teaches Nicodemus in the night (John 3), involves himself with the Samaritan woman (John 4), and seeks out the sick man at Bethesda (John 5).¹ He is the Good Shepherd and knows his sheep by name (John 10:3). Following Christ's example those who are called to be shepherds must look after the sheep in their own needs. Paul urged the elders of Ephesus to take each member of the congregation personally to heart, by remind­ing them that he, for three years, continued "warning each of you night and day with tears" (Acts 20:31). During his stay in Thessa­lonica he did the same, for he writes: "...you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encourag­ing, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his king­dom and glory" (1 Thess. 2:11, 12). When Paul instructs Timothy and Titus, it is striking that he always brings the needs of the individual member to the fore. Timothy must admonish his opponents with gentleness (2 Tim. 2:24). Titus must counter those who contradict the message (Tit. 1:9) and he must correct those who cause schisms (Tit. 3:10).

From History←⤒🔗

For centuries the sacrament of confession functioned as the perfect pastoral means to aid and guide the faithful. In the intimacy of the confessional the priest not only absolved sins, but also exercised his pastoral care for those who came to him with their problems.

After the Reformers had shown the unbiblical character of the confessional this form of pastoral care could no longer be maintained.² It was Calvin who established the official family visit. Through it the office bearers would be able to care for the congregation.³ In the Church Order of Geneva (1561), drafted by Calvin, family visits were precisely regulated. It appears that the visits were made by the minister accompanied by an elder. These visits were made in connection with the celebration of the Lord's Supper and were intended to promote Christian order in all the aspects of congregational life.⁴ More than once the Dutch Synods made pronouncements about family visits. The Convent of Wezel (1568) decided that the office of elder consisted of the following:

That each of them should carefully keep watch over his own parish or district and visit those entrusted to his care once a week at home and, in addi­tion, as often as was the custom in each church, especially during the time of the Lord's Supper celebration. They should see to it that they carefully examine themselves in the purity of their walk and morals, in the diligent instruction of their household, in their prayers for family members and similar things. They should admonish them calmly and earnestly, and if the situation demands, admonish them to steadfastness in order to strengthen them in their patience and to stir them up to fear the Lord. As the case may be they should also comfort or reprimand the members where needed. If necessary they are to bring the matter to the attention of their fellow office bearers and together establish the correction necessary for the trespass. They also must admonish everyone to send their children to the catechism classes.⁵

When reading this old synod decision one soon realizes that our forefathers like Calvin, correctly connected family visits with the Lord's Supper celebration. The decision of the Synod of Middelburg (1581) is particularly clear on that point. "The office of elder is ... when it is close to the Lord's Supper celebration, to visit those intending to attend so that they can prepare themselves better."⁶

The Synod of 's-Gravenhage (1586) no longer restricted the family visit to the correct prepa­ration for the Lord's Supper. It decided that a visit had to be made "to edify the congrega­tion, before as well as after the Lord's Supper, and to comfort and instruct the members of the congregation..."⁷

That decision was maintained by the Synod of Dort (1618-1619) and was included in Article 22 of the present church order.

The Nature of Family Visits←⤒🔗

The family visit has been called the most advanced "post" in the activity of the office bearers.⁸ On family visits the office bearers enter into the houses of the members of the congregation. The people live there in the existential sense of the word.⁹ There live the questions and the joys, there education takes place and there people live and suffer. There is the base of the all encompassing human life. Precisely there the elders will want to fulfill their official mandate of caring for God's flock. What, then, is the character of the visit they make?

From the brief historical overview it appears that our forefathers made a connection be­tween the celebration of the Lord's Supper and the family visit. Originally it served as an invitation and preparation for the Lord's Supper and to clear up outstanding difficulties, and afterwards to speak about the fruits of the proclamation of Christ's death, particularly in the life of sanctification.

In the course of time the tie between the Lord's Supper and family visits became looser. Even though the Lord's Supper did not disappear from view, the visit was considered more as an institution which kept the spiritual welfare of the congregation in general in mind.

The books of Rev. C. Vonk about family visit have become well known among us. Vonk has definite opinions about family visits. Our fathers like to talk about visitation. Vonk makes a tie-in. In family visits we are dealing with an official visit which, by means of questions and answers, investigates the members of the congregation.

The elders do not have the task to examine whether or not they are dealing with children of the kingdom. That is a given. On that fact rests their mandate. Neither is it precisely the task of elders on family visits to come with broad instruction about that kingdom, as if they were scribes educated in the kingdom of heaven. No matter how splendid that may be, the family visit is not the proper place for it. Elders, however, must examine whether the children of the kingdom obey the law of the kingdom. Whether or not with all their heart and in all their work they submit to it.¹⁰

Vonk is also of the opinion, that elders on family visits must look for the fruits of the proclamation of the Word by means of the law of the Lord, the Ten Commandments. "They are the ten essential points on the agenda at a family visit".¹¹ On family visits the elder acts in his position as ruler. Vonk writes: "On family visits not the prophetic but the royal aspect, not the teaching but the ruling office, comes to the fore. The preacher sews the Word, the overseer looks for fruits."¹²

It seems to me that Vonk's vision is somewhat one-sided. It is not correct to emphasize the royal aspect of the eldership in such a way that it dominates the family visit. Whenever the elder acts, he acts as prophet, priest and king. K. Dijk correctly observes: "The royal rule demands the special prophetic application and this is worthless without the priestly compas­sion and love, which is strikingly present in a shepherd."¹³

It entails an impoverishment of the official family visit when it is viewed as a 'visitation examination' only. To make a family visit is to be busy pastorally. The elder enters the homes of the members of the congregation as a shepherd. He conducts his family visit, be­cause he has a mandate: "Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care." The shepherd does not only examine but cares for the sheep, seeks the lost and binds up the injured and strengthens the weak (Ezek. 34:16). Article 22 of our Church Order says that the elder visits the members of the congregation "to comfort, instruct and admonish them with the Word of God."

If the family visit is to function correctly, we must rid ourselves of the idea of "examina­tion". The elders do not come to inspect. As shepherds they come to care for the sheep. They want to help and guide brothers and sisters so that in all aspects they are able to live as God's children.

This does not mean that the element of super­vision, "that every member may conduct himself properly in doctrine and life", does not apply. The true shepherd wants to gauge whether the sheep follow the correct path. Penetrating questions will have to be asked. The discussion, however, must be dominated by pastoral compassion in order to protect and pasture the sheep truly. The family visit is an official visit. The elders do not talk as brother to brother or sister. They come as office bearers to do their pastoral work. They are called to give spiritual guidance.

C. Trimp puts it correctly:

The family visit is typified by a personal and confidential associa­tion of officebearers with members of the congregation and as such can be a highlight of pastoral labour. It is an official activity whereby Christ involves himself with a mem­ber of the congregation or a family in the total concreteness of his (their) daily existence.¹⁴

Purpose of the Family Visit ←⤒🔗

Article 22 of the Church Order speaks about the "edification" of the congregation. The family visit ought to be brought before as well as after the Lord's Supper "to the edification of the congregation". I am of the opinion that our Church Order here echoes the Scriptures. The New Testament emphasizes that the edification of the congregation ought to be the purpose and norm of all the work done in and for the congregation. Paul writes in Romans 14:19: "Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification" (cf. Rom. 15:2).

In the first letter to the Corinthians we fre­quently come across the word edification when the subject deals with the work in the com­munion of saints (1 Cor. 8:1; 14:3, 5, 12, 26)

When Paul speaks about his official work, the word is again mentioned. He gives witness of the authority which he has received from the Lord "for building you up rather than pulling you down" (2 Cor. 10:8) and he assures the Corinthians that he is speaking "in the sight of God as those in Christ; and everything we do, dear friends, is for your strengthening." (2 Cor. 12:19) The descriptions of the purpose of family visits are many. I feel that we are on the safe side if we state that the family visit is directed at the edification of the congregation. The elders enter the homes as shepherds in order to speak with the brothers and sisters about edification.

What does the New Testament mean by it? Herman Ridderbos concludes, after an exten­sive discussion of the relevant Bible texts, that "the ongoing edification of the congregation means that it, not only in the individual members, but above all in the unity of Christ's body, comes to perfection, i.e. that the fulness, which she possesses in Christ, is revealed, by holding on to what she has received, by increasing in knowledge and wisdom and by love and mutual communion."¹⁵

The edification of the congregation lies herein that she remains in Christ and lives out of Him. When that is the case, that which they have received in Christ is revealed. The con­gregation comes to maturity, "the whole measure of the fulness of Christ" (Eph. 4:13). She is then no longer immature but able to stand up against all sorts of teaching (Eph. 4:4). She then walks after the Spirit, as Paul speaks about in Romans 8. The congregation then learns to serve in love (Gal. 5:13). She under­stands her calling in the communion of saints (1 Cor. 12:12-31). In that way missionary activity is kindled. The congregation supports the proclamation of the Gospel with her prayers (Eph. 6:18), and supports its work financially (Rom. 15:24). She is pre-eminent in doing good works (Titus 3:8), and is a letter of Christ, evident to all people (2 Cor. 3:2, 3).

Discussion Material←⤒🔗

What are the subjects the elders should talk about? The common answer to that question is often that they must talk about spiritual life. I believe that it may be put that way, providing this spiritual life is not understood in a pietistic sense, for then it only means a hidden ex­change with God without direct ties to daily living. The Bible understands spiritual life as life that the Spirit works in God's children. It is a life that becomes visible in a distinct walk of life. In Romans 8:1-17 and Galatians 5:13-26 Paul shows that "life in the Spirit is concrete. It is fighting against the lusts of the flesh, a putting-off of the works of the flesh, a know­ing of the fruits of the Spirit in love, joy, peace, patience, friendliness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

It can be said positively that all that Paul wrote concerning the task of the communion of saints (1 Cor. 12), shows concretely the kind of spiritual life that God's children may and must live in marriage (Eph. 5:22-33), in the relation­ship of parents and children (Eph. 6:1-4), in our tasks in society (Titus 2:9, 10, Philemon; 2 Thess. 3:10-12) and in the missionary calling of the congregation (Phil. 2:14-16; Col. 4:5, 6).

Such spiritual life demands attention on family visits. The fact that the Holy Spirit works this life through the proclamation of the Holy Gospel and strengthens it through the use of sacraments (cf. Lord's Day 25) must stand central. The elders may not keep silent about the preaching and the use of Baptism and the Lord's Supper. True spiritual life only flourishes, when we let the Holy Spirit work as He wants to work.

It should be clear that the material for discus­sion cannot be summarized in a few words. Everything that deals with spiritual life is open for discussion, the attitude towards the com­munion of saints, the education of the children, marriage life, Bible reading and prayer, daily living, the honouring of all those set over us in authority, our attitude towards our neighbour, the stewardship over what God has given us, reading material and social activities.

Rev. Vonk has called the Ten Commandments the indispensable points on the family visit agenda.¹⁶ He writes: "There are no objections to asking the same questions every year, for family visits are not all the place to say or hear anything new."¹⁷ "According to the estab­lished rule of the Ten Commandments of the Lord each family visit must be conducted without regard of person, be they good or evil."¹⁸

It ought to be remembered that Rev. Vonk views family visits as an examination. What he writes about the agenda for such visits is clearly tied in with this concept.

It seems to me an impossible task to deal with all the commandments in the span of an hour. I am sure that the family visit will then degen­erate into a question and answer period, and other pastoral concerns will not receive atten­tion.

I think it is a responsible procedure, when the elders choose one theme from the many and discuss it as thoroughly as possible. For instance, one year the sanctification of life can be discussed, while during another the rela­tionships within the family may receive attention. In that way there is variety, and one has the opportunity to talk a certain subject through.

Those who talk about spiritual life on family visits ought not to forget that "we don't speak in the first place as brother to brother, or brother to sister. We come as office bearers. That does not mean that we speak from an ivory tower and that we know it all. It means that we are called to give spiritual guidance according to the authority given us by the great Office bearer."¹⁹

It can be especially beneficial when the consistory discusses the theme for family visits beforehand. When the consistory has a minister present, he should give the necessary instruction. In a brief statement he can mention the Scripture passages which refer to the theme and annotate them with a few exegetical remarks. In a mutual discussion the consistory can try to formulate answers to such questions as: Why are we bringing this or that point up? How can we achieve a good discussion? What problems can we expect?

I don't think that it is necessary to point out that, even though a theme has been decided upon, the elders are free to act on their own. There can be visits when clearly something else must be dealt with. The elder, who is truly a shepherd, shall, in such cases, wisely decide what ought to be done.

How do we Organize the Family Visit?←⤒🔗

The question whether or not an elder should begin the family visit with prayer has been discussed at great length. Often a family visit begins like this: A few remarks are made. The general state of society is discussed. Suddenly one of the elders remarks: "Shall we together ask the Lord for a blessing on this visit?" Is it not obvious that this makes for a forced situation? Is it not better, to make the change gradually from the informal opening remarks to the subject for the visit?

Still, I would plead for opening the family visit with prayer. This is not done "to immediately create the proper atmosphere."²⁰ We may not use prayer to create the proper sphere for the visit. Prayer is much too holy for that!

I heartily agree with the remarks of C. Trimp:

...this official work must present itself as such. After a few words of greeting and information the elder in charge of the visit, proposes to begin the visit with prayer. In this short prayer thanks is given for the opportunity of the visit, for the great Shepherd who concerns Himself with His sheep, for the wisdom and openness necessary for a successful discussion.²¹

During the visit the elders are busy as office bearers. It is a good custom to ask for God's blessing before such work begins. Our ecclesiastical meetings start that way too, don't they?

I would also plead for Scripture reading at the beginning of the visit. Of course it can be done at the end as well. However, does the Scripture reading at the beginning not clearly emphasize: we, as elders, do not come with our own wisdom, we come with the Word of God. From that Word we wish to speak. To that Word we want to bind each other. The elder in charge can make a few remarks in connection with the passage read and in a few words sketch the direction of the discussion which is to follow. He definitely should not sermonize. He should realize that the longer he talks the more difficult it will be to get those visited to talk!

It is good to end a family visit with prayer. In this prayer the members visited should receive the proper attention.

W.A. Wiersinga writes correctly:

This prayer is one of the most important parts of your visit and of your task as office bearer. After you have shown the people the way to strengthen their faith and the power in the battle against sin, you must now pray for it and them. You must teaching them, how they themselves, pleading on God's Word, can pray for it. Mention is made of all the needs and cares by name and all the troubles are disclosed to the Lord. Precisely through such a prayer it will become apparent that you have understood their circumstances. In addition, they should notice from it that the Lord Himself understands their difficulties.²²

The Art of Conversation←⤒🔗

The pastoral care, which ought to be given during the visit, takes place in the discussion. Those who bring family visits always experi­ence how difficult it is to have a conversation with people one only knows superficially. In the last few years quite a few books have been published on the subject of the psychology of pastoral conversation.²³ Some of them wish to be only a guideline to come to a satisfying discussion on family visits.²⁴

I cannot discuss these publications in detail here. In general, however, these publications stress the importance of listening. He, who wishes to address people as an office bearer, ought to listen well. Listening is a creative activity. He who really knows how to listen, as it were, causes the other person to open up, and makes it possible for him to speak.²⁵

It supposes not only a hearing what is said in words, but a listening to what lies behind the words; a sensitivity for what is not brought under words but yet can be heard by those who have ears. Words are often a very inad­equate expression of what a person intends to say. If we want to do justice to one another, we must first of all keep in mind, how the ability to put matters into words varies greatly from one person to the next. Besides there can be all sorts of circumstances in which a person consciously says things to cover or hide the real problem. In listening we must continually remember that it not only concerns the logical, rational content of what is said, but also the expressed emotions which lie behind it all. If we don't do that we miss the connection, in spite of the flood of words used.²⁶

He who really listens tries to be aware of the other person's feeling. He will ask the ques­tion: Why does he say that? What are his feelings? What does he really mean? The elder who desires a real conversation, must sense the person he visits. He must feel his way into his emotions. Only through good listening can it be said that a connection has been made with the questions and problems which trouble the other person.

Apart from that the office bearer keeps the control of the conversation! He must take care that he fulfills his official mandate. He must not let himself be detracted, nor be tempted to enter into a debate (an often very successful diversionary tactic). Unobtrusively, he should guide the discussion in such a way that all the subjects to be discussed are brought up in the allotted time.

Two by Two←⤒🔗

A question which recently has come to the fore again, is whether or not it is advisable to bring a visit with two elders. Is it not preferable to bring a one man visit? With regard to the latter, it is pointed out, that greater intimacy is possible, the conversation will proceed with less friction and more visits can be made.

I am of the opinion that a two-man visit is preferable. The official character is more easily maintained that way. The report to the consistory can be made according to the scriptural rule of "two witnesses" (Dt. 19:15). In addition, the aspect of mutual assistance during the family visit is of great importance. When the elders supplement and complement each other, the discussion can be enriched and helped over dead spots. Finally, a better discussion and evaluation of the visit is also possible under this set up.

For the "official" family visit to function well, the elders must maintain sufficient contact with their district. The elder must find time to drop in. On joyful and sad occasions they may not be absent. It can be helpful to divide the addresses in a district so that each can pay special attention to the people on their respec­tive list.

Reporting←⤒🔗

In general the reporting of a visit to the consistory should be brief. A confidential conversation has taken place. The people visited have the right to confidentiality as far as the reporting is concerned.

When the congregation knows, that every detail discussed on a family visit will be reported, it will be extremely difficult to have a heart to heart conversation. Wise elders will only report to the consistory, what indeed has to be known by the consistory or that about which the consistory must further decide. In my opinion, written reports of a visit are undesirable, especially when such reports are put in the archive. All of that is damaging to the pastoral character of the family visits.

When office bearers change some continuity of family visit work is desired, an orientation discussion between the retiring elder and his successor is the obvious solution. In such a highly confidential discussion much necessary information may be passed on.

Preparation←⤒🔗

In order to conduct a family visit properly the elders must, as the Form for Ordination says, "diligently search the Scriptures and train themselves in godliness". Bible study, prayer and meditation are indispensable for prepar­ing oneself for the work of family visits.

The office bearer who in prayer studies his Bible, obtains from it a spiritual structure, a knowing and acting upon a spiritual reality, which is God pleasing and whereby he can do his visiting in freedom. Besides that, and at the same time, he acquires Biblical knowledge so necessary for his pastoral work.²⁷

I will only add one remark. Above all, an elder must be sober in the biblical sense of the word (1 Thess. 5:8; 1 Pet. 5:8). That means that he recognizes the time in which we live. He will have to know which dangers are threatening the sheep and with what subtle temptations the devil is coming to them.

He who wants to conduct a good family visit must read. He must recognize the modern spirit found in books and magazines.

When the elders are scripturally sober, they are especially capable during family visits "to keep watch" (Heb. 13:17).