Have you ever been disheartened or dis­couraged and a friend comes along and helps you back onto your feet? Have you sat and listened as a friend tells you how she is struggling in life? Have you laughed with a friend until the tears flow? Friends can be such a blessing to us, and we to them.

God has placed us in the body of Christ, in a community of believers, a family of fellow Christians. He does this so that we may encourage, exhort, ad­monish, show love to, rejoice with or weep with¹ one another. It is part of His good plan for us to have people around us who, together with us in the Lord’s power and enabling will, build His kingdom on earth. Some of His people become our friends. Sometimes friend­ships are lifelong, or for a shorter time. Occasionally we experience a one-off close time of fellowship in the Lord with someone whom we may never see again this side of heaven.

Most friendships develop over a period of time. It takes time to get to know people and to develop a close re­lationship with them. We meet people with whom we sense an underlying kinship. If nurtured and cultivated these relationships can become friendships that are deep and may last a life-time. There are several building blocks on which a good friendship is founded.

Friendship is Built on Trust:⤒🔗

To foster a close relationship we need to be trust­worthy with what we are told, and to trust the other person too. You may not need to share every little struggle in your life – but be open about the fact that your life is not perfect, that we all sin and we all need encouragement to become more like Christ. We are to share one another’s burdens. The New Testament has many “one anothering”² commands. Jesus said we are to obey his commands so that we would love one another.³ You certainly don’t need to take a “concrete pill and harden up” as the saying goes. Some people feel (that) that they are burdening others with their troubles. Or it is pride that holds you back from asking for help and prayer? A friend will be there to see you through the good times and the tough times, to pray for you and to just walk alongside you. Allow them the joy that could be theirs in Christ by opening up to them and allowing them to do likewise.

Friendship is Built on Love:←⤒🔗

Christ showed us unconditional love and showed us the way to show love to others. Be a friend who is kind, gentle and loving. A good friend will show us love by spurring us on to good works and will admonish us when we need it.

Friendship is Built on Sacrifice:←⤒🔗

Sometimes in our friendships we need to sacrifice our time so that we can be with our friend in a time of need. We need to think about our friend’s needs before our own. Friendship isn’t about what we can get out of a relationship, but about what we can give to the other person.

Friendship is Built on Respect:←⤒🔗

Good friends respect one another. If one person is always at the other’s house,⁴ ringing on the phone or wanting to be together constantly, then the friendship can become toxic and unhealthy, especially if the friend tries to come between you and your spouse or other friendships. A healthy relationship recognises the need for you both to have other friends too.

Types of Friendships:←⤒🔗

Best/very close friends:

A Note to Married Women:←↰⤒🔗

I love meeting with women friends, but my best friend, and the one I love to spend the most time with is my dear husband. We talk a lot, which is good for our marriage, and very beneficial for our relationship in general. We talk about everything from theological issues, gardening, the children, food, church, through to hiking in national parks of New Zealand. We make sure we have time for one another and do things together as often as possible. Is your husband your best friend? Is he your first “go-to” person when you need a chat, help or advice? Our marriage should be the most important relationship we have, after our relationship with Christ, so we need to work at making our husband our best friend. Yes, there is space for coffee, fellowship and sharing with friends, but first and foremost, our husband comes first.

Women Friends:←↰⤒🔗

But sometimes, we just need a woman to talk to. Close friendships are a blessing and can be very encouraging, uplifting and enjoyable. Cultivate friendships with several women. A few will be closer than others, but there should always be room to meet new people. The women who are our closest friends will be sisters-in ­Christ too. God uses these “sisters” to encourage us in our walk with the Lord. They lift us up when we are down, gently point us in the right direction when we stray, help us to speak wise words when we think foolish ones, share hugs and kisses and tears when we most need them, provide a listening ear and hold our hand as we travel through the miry clay of this world. They laugh with us when we need good medicine⁵ for our hearts and souls.

It doesn’t matter how old or young your friends may be. I have one “sister”, who is 24, and we share our highs, lows and struggles and she is such an encouragement to me. She spurs me on to do the good works that the Lord has laid out for me, and vice versa. Another in her 80s has blessed me so much by her example as a loving wife.

Mentoring Friendships:←↰⤒🔗

Whatever your physical age, there may well be someone who is younger spiritually than you whom you can mentor/disciple and encourage in her walk with the Lord. When deliberately mentoring another woman, make sure that you have boundaries and limits. For example; agree to meet once a week for an hour for prayer and Bible study. There are also those who are lonely or struggling in their lives or who are more difficult to be friendly with. Be friendly and thoughtful to these people. Look out for opportunities to invite them to events and to include them with others. Get to know them and help them. Show Christ’s love to them. He loved you when you were lonely and a stranger to Him. Do that for others.

Being Discipled:←↰⤒🔗

In turn, we can enter into a discipleship relationship with an older, more mature woman. Respect the time she is giving you and pray for her. If I need wisdom, my experience is that someone I respect as an older woman⁶ for example; a minister’s or elder’s wife – is a good place to start. She would be a woman who will listen to you, guide you and prayerfully seek to point you to Christ.

Being Friendly:←↰⤒🔗

What if you do not have any friends? (and it can so easily happen in this world where people seem to be too busy to be friends). What can you do if you are lonely and don’t seem to be able to make friends easily? Firstly, trust in Jesus. He knows our inner most thoughts and needs and the wonderful thing is, that He loves us more than any mere human can. He cares for you, in an intimate and beautiful way and is interested and involved in all the details of our lives. Secondly, be friendly your­self. Smile at people. People like to talk to people who smile. Learn how to talk to people. I am reading a book at the moment entitled Always Know What To Say – Easy Ways to Approach and Talk to Anyone.⁷ It is proving to be very helpful in teaching a shy person like myself (yes, I am shy) to approach and talk to others. It’s not easy, but worth the effort. Remember to ask Jesus for strength as you go to talk to someone. Thirdly, ask Jesus to show you oppor­tunities to be friendly with a woman (no matter what age). Take the initia­tive. Invite someone over for a coffee or a picnic in the park. Get to know the other women in your Bible study and perhaps ask one of them over for lunch afterwards. When God called us to be one of His daughters, He also called us into a community of other be­lievers, whom we are to love as broth­ers and sisters. So be friendly.

Treasure your Friends:←↰⤒🔗

Care for them and love them. Spend time with them, keep communication up. This may be a conversation on Sunday after the service, or a weekly coffee catch-up or a personal message through social media or texts, letting them know that you are thinking of them. Or sending a card or a handwritten letter, or making a meal when they are sick or overwhelmed.

Male Friends – A Word of Warning:←⤒🔗

Always watch your conversations, social media interactions, etc with men. Keep them short and infrequent. Women who are on your own, beware of men⁸ who seem friendly and want to help out around the home and want to come on their own. Either they should bring their wife or you should arrange to have a female friend or a relation with you when he visits. If you are married, no man should be closer to you than your husband. Over time this type of close friendship is likely to be disastrous to your marriage. If a man seems to be trying to get close to you, tell your husband. Don’t try and handle it on your own, and certainly don’t keep it hidden from your husband.

Friendships with Non-believers:←↰⤒🔗

Can we have friends with non-be­lievers? Certainly. Many a person has come to know our Lord Jesus Christ through friendships with believers. It may, however, be difficult to have a non-believer as a best friend because there is a huge part of your life as a Christian you cannot share with them. But the Lord brings people into our lives to show them the love of Christ, to talk and walk the gospel before them and to pray for them.

God brings friends in all shapes, sizes and ages into our lives to encourage us when we need it, to rebuke us on occasion, to share their lives with us, to laugh with us and to love us for who we are! They are a blessing from the Lord to help us in our growth in Christ, to bind His body closer together, and to build His kingdom here on earth.

Work on making your husband your best friend. Share each other’s burdens. Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. Keep your listening ears open, your smile at the ready, your arms ready for hugs, keep a tissue or two in your handbag and love one another. Be a true friend and sister in Christ.