Surely one of the most remarkable men in the Bible was the Psalmist who said: "Let a righteous man strike me — it is a kindness; let him rebuke me — it is oil on my head" (Psalm 141:5). To accept criticism, from a righteous man or otherwise, many find to be no easy matter. Here's some thoughts on how we might learn to react to criticism in a positive way.

We expect criticism from the world: indeed if we don't experience some opposition from those opposed to us, we might well question the reality of our faith. But we may not expect criticism from fellow-Christians. After all, they are on our side, aren't they? For that reason we may find it harder to accept. So when criticism comes to us from Christian folks, how do we deal with it?

Criticism can come in a variety of different forms. If it comes through a sermon, we may the easier recognise it to be from God and submit the more willingly to it; but if it comes in other forms most people are, I suspect, some­what reluctant to take it on board without a struggle. The private exhortation of the minister or elder; the well-meaning advice of older Christians; the words of rebuke spoken in an argument over some practical issue; the unending stream of instruc­tions from those that think themselves experts in other people's jobs or in running other people's lives; and the sweeping or severe judgments of those who always seem to know better — these are not always so easily received.

Instead of being to us like the oil that heals or refreshes or brings joy, criticism in these forms too often is felt as a barb that rasps and tears, and that leaves us smarting and wounded. Who hasn't felt deeply hurt by the words of a friend?

The question then is: how can a hurtful barb be trans­formed into health-giving oil?

Criticism which bites deeply unsettles us. It induces spontaneous, irrational reac­tions which stop us from viewing it in a positive way. On the one hand we seek to protect ourselves from hurt and on the other hand we wish to lash out at the one that has caused the hurt. We need to clearly identify these negative reactions and energetically resist them, if we are to deal with criticism in a productive way and so discover it to be a positive experience.

Defence Mechanisms⤒🔗

When we are hurt, we spontaneously mount a damage-limitation exercise. Natural defence mechanisms are called into operation to resist this assault upon us which is perceived as hostile and so to provide us with a protective covering which will guard our ego from further damage.

Our eyes automatically close when we sneeze or when a poking finger approaches. The tortoise withdraws into its hard shell at the sight or sound of danger. In a similar way, the natural reaction of heart and mind is to close up in the face of criticism. To shut the criticism from our minds seems the best way to ease the sore. To harden ourselves against the hurtful words seems the quickest and surest way for the scab to grow over the wound and for the hurt to be healed.

But to do that is to close our minds against the opportunity which hurtful experiences provide us with of discovering more about ourselves and of growing spiritually. These natural defence mechanisms make for a cover-up. We have to resist them in order that, wounded though we be, we might expose ourselves to the right question to be addressed to ourselves in these circumstances: is this criticism true? We must come out of our shell, expose ourselves to the truth and be prepared to look facts in the face.

Lashing Out←⤒🔗

Like an injured lion which turns on its tormentors, so the pain of hurt pride stirs us to inflict damage on those that have wounded us. To lash out at the critic is more natural than to humbly accept the criticism. The force of the criticism gets lost in the welter of negative feelings directed against the critic. Thus we call in question the person's right to criticise. Isn't this the pot calling the kettle black? Isn't he more guilty than we? And we ascribe false motives to the critic. This, we feel, is said out of spite, not out of love; to harm not to help; in arrogant pride not in a spirit of humility.

This process of criticising the critic is helped on by a remarkable ability which we have to read between the lines, to misinterpret the tone of voice used, and to misread the facial expression of the one that addresses a rebuke to us. In this way, we ascribe motives to the critic that are sometimes more apparent to ourselves than to the one who offers the criticism. The criti­cism seems so full of sarcasm; it is couched in extreme lan­guage, it contains unbalanced statements. The whole tone of it seems venomous, its ten­dency negative, its purpose destructive, its spirit arrogant and unloving.

A Conspiracy←⤒🔗

This lashing out at the critic has the same effect as closing our minds to the criticism: it tends to stop us from a rational assessment of the rebuke offered.

We persuade ourselves that our hurt feeling does not stem from our inability to take criticism. Why we can't accept it is that criticism amongst brothers is meant to be loving, but the blow we have received is given in an altogether different spirit. Why, we ask ourselves, should we have to seriously assess words spoken in that spirit?

But a moment's rational reflection will show us the folly of that attitude.

For a start, when the heart is sore and we're still smarting from the wound, our judg­ment is clouded and distorted by self-interest. We are in no position to assess what some­one else's motives are. We just cannot judge justly. In our hurt state of mind, the tone of voice can be too easily mis­read, the words "between the lines" too freely imagined, and the motives too severely misrepresented. Such assess­ment of another's motives requires a clear mind, careful scrutiny and a fair bit of char­ity at the best of times; and to indulge in that exercise while suffering the initial pain of an inflicted wound is not the best of times.

Moreover, when all is said and done, the motives of another person's heart are not for us to assess anyway. We cannot identify them. Are we God to know men's hearts? And even if we could, it's none of our business; they are not accountable to us, but answerable to God. And even if we knew for sure the com­ments were motivated by malice, that in itself wouldn't mean there was no truth in the criticisms offered. Our job is not to assess others but to exa­mine ourselves, whether the hurtful words have been spoken lovingly or not; whether they are full of malice, of mischief or of true brotherly concern.

Sifting the Evidence←⤒🔗

Though the natural reac­tion to adverse criticism is to seek, like tortoises, the shelter of our protective shells, we may sometimes go to the opposite extreme and be only too willing to believe every­thing bad that is said about us. There's a false humility that loves to exacerbate the wounds and keep open the sores; that loves to paint one­self in the blackest colours possible.

This has the appearance of godly humility, but in fact is not an honest approach to criticism. No human state­ment should be accepted without reference to the stan­dard of the Scriptures; and that is true even when the statement in question is a criti­cism of our conduct or our outlook. Criticism should lead us to an honest and humble evaluation of our­selves in the light of Scripture. God's view on the matter must be sought; man's view may be flawed. We mustn't accept any negative judgment passed on us by a brother as a final assessment any more than we can accept as perfect any positive assessment we might receive.

This requires study of the Word to see if the alleged wrongs are really wrongs. It requires study of our lives in the light of the Word to see if the alleged wrongs do indeed find a place in our hearts. This examination must be con­ducted with the honest and humble prayer:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.Psalm 139:23-24

Every part of the criticism that is true we must acknowledge to be true, without reserve or excuse. We must seek to fully identify the place that the error has in our lives. We must regard it as a deadly enemy, hate it and for­sake it.

And at the end of that difficult and sometimes prolonged process we will be in a position to cultivate a grateful heart to the one that pointed our mistake out to us. If we really love holiness, we'll love the one that pointed out how we were straying from the path of holiness. Despite the wounding words, the pain of conviction, the sorrow involved in the searching of heart conducted, it is only a short step from genuine repentance to a grateful recognition of the positive service rendered us in the criti­cism offered.

Wrestling with Unfairness←⤒🔗

I could foresee the situation where we come to the conclu­sion that a substantial part of the criticism offered is not valid. Our brother's judgment is in fact misguided, flawed and unfair. To some people, that's even more difficult to cope with than fair criticism is. Accurate criticism is good advice; it is relatively easy for the pain to be eased by humble acceptance of the need for a change of conduct, but how is the wound healed when the criticism is unjust? Can that type of hurt be changed into a healing oil?

Those that live by the sword will perish by the sword. Those that mete out unjust criticism can hardly be expected to remain untouched by that same weapon. So the experience of being unfairly represented by others reminds us to search our lives and repent of occasions when we have unnecessarily and unfairly wounded others by unjust criticism, ill-based judgments formed without full knowledge of the situa­tion or sweeping statements expressed without tact, balance or due reservation.

The painful experience of unfair criticism will be a useful one if it leads us to guard our tongue, to seek balance in our writing and sensitivity in our judgments.

Mind you, to realise that we have wounded others as we have been wounded, does not in itself ease the pain. Indeed, it may make it worse. But who said the aim was to ease the pain? Isn't the aim to benefit from the situation whether the pain is eased or not — to take the medicine no matter how distasteful it might be? If our only aim is to ease the wound, we cannot expect to get the blessing from it that we should look for.

But if having examined the criticism to see whether or not it is true and our lives to see whether or not we have been hurting others as others have hurt us, we still feel sore — the sense of injustice still wrankles — then there is one place in particular to which we must look: to Christ himself.

Although, inasmuch as he was acting as the representa­tive of others, there was justice in the way in which he was wounded and bruised, in a very real way justice was denied him in his final hours in this world. What a travesty of justice to say: "I find no fault in him", and yet con­demn him. And how galling the mockery of the cross: "he saved others, himself he cannot save". What a wound­ing statement that was, a barb that hurt because of its injustice: the fact was that by not saving himself, he was saving others.

It was of the suffering that comes unjustly that Peter was speaking when he pointed to the example of Christ and said that he left us "an example that we should follow in his steps... When they hurled insults at him, he did not retaliate; he entrusted himself to him who judges justly."

If there is a sense of unfair­ness still with us and we say, "but I'm being unjustly criti­cised by my friends not my enemies", remember that much of the mental suffering that Christ had to endure was the sense that it came from those who had been closest to him. Peter said: "Never, Lord! This will never happen to you!" His own familiar friend lifted up his heel against him. His disciples all forsook him and fled. Some of the injustice which our Lord felt was meted out to him through the agency of his friends.

It is this that is capable of giving calmness and accep­tance and a spirit of forgive­ness even at the unjustness of criticisms levelled against us. The Lord suffered it; the day will declare it. What does it matter?

When we look at things in that way, then indeed, the hurtful barb will become a healing oil.

For centuries the great goal of the alchemists was to find a method of transmuting base metals into gold. Their goal was never realised. But through the teaching of the Scripture and the influence of the Spirit, the Christian can find how to transmute base criticism into the gold of growth in holiness.